Baseball, apple pie and bathroom graffiti

Approximately five minutes after
the first bathroom stall was installed, someone
wrote something on it. Since then, things
have never been the same.
Lavatories all across the country are covered
with messages of love, hate, good times and
all-out nonsense. Often toted as graffiti
and the destruction of property, bathroom
stalls would not be the same without this
clever poetry, dirty limericks (is there any
other kind?), and, of course, someone’s phone
number “for a good time.”
While many disagree with the practice of writing
on the stalls, everyone reads them, even if
it later causes you to shake your head in
disgust. No bathroom stall can escape the
wrath of the sharpie marker or standard issue
ball point pen, even CMU’s.
CMU has its fair share of bathroom graffiti,
and while some buildings have none whatsoever
(due to the fact that the stalls were recently
painted – a very raunchy color, I might add),
others are hot spots for the so-called bathroom
humor.
Everywhere I investigated, I found each building
to be distinct in its own nature and appearance,
which also carried over to the writing on
the stalls. By simply reading the stories,
poems and phrases, using deductive reasoning
and context clues, one could easily figure
out what classes were taught in that building.
I figured the best place to start was Moore
Hall, home of Broadcasting and Cinematic Arts,
Speech and most importantly, Communication
Disorders. The first and second floor bathrooms
were filled with material.
Surprisingly, several good poems were featured
on the stalls, many of which were offshoots
of a timeless classic in the world of bathroom
writings, “Here I sit broken hearted. Came
to sh-t and only farted. Then one day I took
a chance, farted and I sh-t my pants.”
Other variations of the “Here I Sit” poem
could also be found in the same stall.
The highlight of Moore Hall, however, was
found in the first stall on the first floor.
As you sit and look to the left wall, the
words, “Toilet tennis, look right” can be
seen, and if you follow directions properly
you see the words “Look left,” on the right
wall. If you haven’t figured things out by
now, by following directions you have engaged
in a game of toilet tennis.
On to Anspach Hall, which had very little
to offer in the world of bathroom graffiti.
In fact, the only phrase worth mentioning
was, “LSD – the key to the cosmos,” which
leads you to hope that the person that wrote
that was on LSD.
Many of the other buildings on campus offered
substandard and sometimes average fare of
material. The mecca of bathroom writings can
be found in Whitman Hall. While most bathrooms
on campus exhibit writing in one stall, every
stall in Whitman was written upon.
It was as if each stall was designated for
a separate subject. Insults and new poetry
ran rampant in the stalls. Whitman is a perfect
example of bathroom graffiti at its best,
all the right words were misspelled and all
of the comebacks were idiotic.
Whitman shows that bathroom graffiti is alive
and well and not going anywhere soon. Like
any art, it needs to change with the times
and adapt to the technology. Instead of phone
numbers for a good time, email addresses were
written on the stalls – another example that
bathroom stall writings are here to stay.
Bathroom graffiti could be considered the
chat rooms of the ’70s and early ’80s, and
now the poetry houses of the 90s.
There are two things that I’ve learned from
researching for this article: 1) Bathroom
graffiti is timeless and 2) Stay away from
the stalls in Moore Hall after 9 p.m.

Bathroom Graffiti at CMU

Top 7

7. LSD – the key to the cosmos
– Anspach Hall

6. Here I sit in fumes and
vapor, wondering who stole the toilet paper,
how long must I sit and linger, before I have
to use my finger. – Moore Hall

5. The girl of my dreams
in my boyfriends jeans. – Wightman Hall

4. Do you know why your
laughing? I don’t because the joke is in your
hand. – Whitman Hall

3. Toilet Tennis LOOK LEFT,
LOOK RIGHT – Moore Hall

2. As I sit here and drop
a terd, I try to think of a rhyming word.
– Wightman Hall

1. If you can read this
smack yourself in the ass. – Wightman Hall