Favre, Malls pull first-round tournament upsets

Procrastination (2) vs. Candy (15)
Vanilla Ice’s trailer in southern Iowa
Cops were on the lookout for Snickerheads, Skittlebrains,
and those crazy Three Musketeers, as procrastination settled in to battle
Candy. Moms across the country gathered outside to look for their children,
too hopped up on M&M’s to know their lives were in danger.
Procrastination, as usual, was late for the match.
That’s what they get for taking the Greyhound.
Candy had been prepared for a titanic battle, selecting
Vanilla Ice, special host and current candy store owner, as their warrior.
He showed up, rolling in his five point o, high on 36 bags of Twizzlers.
But procrastination’s tardiness worked to their advantage,
as Ice’s sugar high wore off well before the game. Vanilla Ice tried
in vain to save himself during the three hour beatdown, screaming “Stop.
Can’t we collaborate and listen?” Ice died violently, still clutching
a Kit Kat in his hand.
Winner: Procrastination

Interstates (7) vs. Favre (10)
Chicago Greyhound Station
Bus enthusiasts everywhere gasped in horror as Favre,
the greatest writer in Et Cetera history, unleashed a smooth gameplan
that not only took out Interstates, but an entire busline as well.
The game began just inside the bus terminal, where
Favre was seen eating his pregame meal of bean burritos, mini-sausages
and assorted pork products. The Interstates lay all around him, in each
direction, extending as far as the eye could see. It was a regular David
vs. Goliath match.
But unlike the biblical myth, Favre didn’t have a
slingshot, and Interstates didn’t have a weakness. Or so they thought.
Using his near-Einstein intelligence, Favre concocted
a simple plan. He boarded a Greyhound, and what followed is nearly unprintable.
Let’s just say that bean burritos worked their magic.
The fumes caused the bus driver to pass out, sending
his speeding bus hurdling into traffic. (Keanu Reeves refused to get
out.) The accident caused a massive traffic jam, blocking interstates
all across the region. David one, Goliath nothing.
Winner: Favre

Maps (3) vs. Recipes (14)
Dragon Express, Mount Pleasant Michigan
This contest came down to a battle of wits. Unfortunately,
Gary Busey was providing the wits.
Busey sat in the restaurant, known for its yummy
goodness, contemplating the fate of two former colleagues-turned-enemies.
In the end, it was all about the egg rolls, baby.
Maps came out flying at first, chanting “hey hey,
ho ho, we know where you wanna go!”
But Recipes fought back, screaming
in unison, “come on baby, give me a look, we can teach you how to cook.”
Busey was stumped. He needed food, for sure, but
he also needed a map. How else was he going to find his way to the ETC
concert in Cleveland?
In the end, the egg rolls made all the difference.
They were so good, so incredibly tasty, that Busey threw away the cookbook
and all the damn Recipes inside. Go Maps go.
Winner: Maps, and Gary Busey, for being “that
guy”.

Hotmail.com (6) vs Malls (11)
In the bushes outside Britney Spears’ house, just
within camera range
Hotmail.com, not to be confused with hotmale.com,
battled Malls in an outdoor, au natural match. The Malls were the lower
seed, and were coming off consecutive losses to “jigga what” and the
Simpsons. But they were getting the Gap, American Eagle and Spencers
back from suspension.
Hotmail.com was coming off a twelve-game winning
streak, having defeated O.J. Simpson and blonde jokes in a late-season
double header. But they were no match for the star power that Malls
brought.
Just as Hotmail took a lead, early in the fourth
quarter, Malls Head Coach B.A. Barracus, aka Mr. T, called a quick timeout.
He brought out the big guns. Literally.
Off the bench came Britney herself, host of the game
and source of all things good and holy in my world. She took her bags,
filled with copies of her CD, and started beating Hotmail star player
Bob Saget across the head. He passed out, screaming for Mary Kate and
Ashley.
“Hit me baby, one more time?” No need.
Winner: Malls, and Britney for saving the day
and being hot and stuff.