Hot action in the South

The action in the bottom half of the
south bracket in Et cetera’s March Madness 2000 proved to be explosive,
both literally and figuratively! Here’s a recap of the action.

Illegal Fireworks (2) vs. Jalapeno
Fries (15)
An abandoned minefield in Bosnia
For liability reasons, tournament organizers decided
not to sell tickets to this matchup. Safety comes first when you’re
thinking about a crowd potentially containing children and the incontinent.
The Illegal Fireworks started off with a bang, sending
the hot potatoes reeling with a furious attack of M-80′s. The Jalapeno
Fries would not be vanquished that easily, as they retaliated with a
nasty attack of peppers towards the Fireworks.
The Fries held a distinct advantage until the half,
when Fireworks coach Yul Putchereyeout had a crate of Pepto Bismol airlifted
into the minefield for his team.
After the special delivery, the Fireworks dominated
this contest. They ended the game in spectacular fashion, sending out
a flurry of “bang-snaps” towards their opponents. With the Fries in
a state of confusion, Fireworks star Halfstick Dynamite exploded onto
them, sending mashed jalapeno potatoes over the playing field.
Winner: Illegal Fireworks

Dan (7) vs. Precipitation (10)
Toronto SkyDome, Canada

Dan confidently entered the SkyDome
to the sounds of LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out,” seemingly oblivious
to the possible havoc he could be facing.
Dan arrogantly grabbed the arena microphone from
Gloria Gaynor, who had just finished the national anthem. What came
next was a shocking display of total disrespect for his opponent.
“All of you people here today in Toronto have wasted
your hard-earned loonies on these tickets,” Dan proclaimed. “You see,
I watched the Weather Channel earlier, and they said that the sky would
be clear ALL DAY!!! I WIN!!! Mother Nature, kiss my ass!!!”
As Dan began his victory lap around the infield,
silence fell over the crowd when the sky began to turn a strange shade
of green. A jet black cloud appeared over the dome, and a combination
of snow, sleet, hail, and rain began to fall down on the field, specifically
following Dan’s trail.
Dan ran for the dugout at top speed, screaming “Mommy!”
the whole way. He reached safety, but the damage had been done. The
sky cleared up, and the crowd gave Mother Nature a standing ovation
for her efforts.
However, Dan wasn’t finished yet. He darted out onto
the field and grabbed the microphone again. “Now, Mommy! Now!,” he yelled.
At that moment, the SkyDome roof began to close.
The crowd booed heartily as someone pointed to the scoreboard. There
was Dan’s mom, sitting in the control booth in the stadium.
“Hi, honey!,” she cooed. “I’m so proud of you!”
Dan toweled off and began to celebrate again. “No
one can defeat me! I’m Dan the Man!”
What happened next defied the belief of all 45,000
spectators in attendance.
A loud rumble was heard, and the ground began to
tremble. The arena went totally black, and a droning roar filled the
dome. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning streaked through the retracted dome
and stuck Dan right in the center of his skull!
The crowd gasped, then stood and applauded in awe
at the miracle they’d just witnessed.
The celebration was short-lived though, as a referee
was brought out to address the crowd. It seems that since Dan’s opponent
was Precipitation, Mother Nature’s use of a foreign object (Electricity)
called for a reversal of the decision.
Winner: Dan by disqualification

Kool-Aid (3) vs. “Whassup?” (14)
Fancher Elementary School Monkey Bars
“Whassup?” is a greeting. Kool-Aid is a universally
known thirst quencher.
“Whassup?” gets annoying when wanna-be homies say
it over and over again. Kool-Aid is always great, no matter how many
times you have it. “Whassup?” is very formulaic.
It’s always the same. Kool-Aid can be different and distinct in many
ways, from the amount of sugar and Kool-Aid mix you use all the way
to how much Seagrams you put in it.
And to top it all off, those crazy kids from ETC
whole-heartedly endorse Kool-Aid.
Winner: Kool-Aid

Frozen Burritos (6) vs. Superman
Ice Cream (11)
Mount Pleasant Community Center Ice Rink
Superman Ice Cream came out fighting, leaving the
frozen burritos with a torn tortilla early on in the contest. The crowd
was chilled by the Ice Cream’s ferocity, and it seemed like nothing
short of kryptonite would stop them from upsetting the 6th seeded Burritos.
The Burritos called in for reinforcements, though,
and special assistant coach Vinnie “The Microwave” Johnson helped the
team heat up for the second half.
Superman Ice Cream was no match for the red-hot Burritos,
as the dairy product melted under the pressure of the newly nuked Burritos.
The victors dedicated their victory to “The Microwave,”
and named him the new head coach of the Burritos for the tournament.
Original coach Bernie “The Toaster Oven” Wordell, however, swore revenge
on the Burritos upon hearing of his replacement.
Winner: Frozen Burritos