Lying, Canada, NYC, Ramen Noodoles take West

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Lying (1) vs. Snap Bracelets (16)
Arizona State University Football Stadium
Never before has a match up been as unbalanced and
quick to resolve as Sunday afternoon’s lying vs. snap bracelets. The
highly out-dated, useless and nonsensical snap bracelets faltered while
battling the much favored lying.
Spectators were somewhat disappointed at the shortness
of the game, which lasted only about ten minutes. Snap bracelets had
a strong showing in the beginning, snapping themselves relentlessly
at their competitors bare wrists.
But the tide soon turned as lying used its powers
of dishonest persuasion to overpower the accessory which hasn’t been
cool since 1987.
Winner: Lying

Canada (8) vs. Pisanello’s Pizza
(9)
Somewhere in the Nevada desert
Despite a relatively small turnout for the Monday
night game, the match up between Canada and Pisanello’s was one of the
most exciting sporting events of the year. The closely matched competitors
each fought a long and bloody battle.
Mount Pleasant’s own Pisanello’s started off the
match by smearing it’s cheesy, saucy self in Canada’s face. Canada quickly
bounced back with an onslaught of “yahs” and “ayes.” Pisanello’s had
no choice but to retreat from the heavy Canadian accents and annoying
Alanis Morrisette lyrics blasting from their radios.
The only time that Canada faltered was when the heat
began to get to them, seeing as how they are used to snow that lasts
through June. It appeared that Pisanello’s would reign victorious until
all of their cheese began to melt in the sun. It was at this time that
Canada blared Celine Dion at their competitors rendering them into whimpering,
helpless little heaps. The winners toasted with Molsons and Labatts
late into the night.
Winner: Canada

New York City (4) vs. Scissors
(13)
Beverly Hills, California at The Peach Pit
“What are you lookin’ at?”, the battle cry of NYC,
overpowered the stabbing and cutting abilities of scissors during Monday
afternoon’s game.
Despite having the ability of actually being a weapon,
scissors were no match for NYC’s team of tough players. Rudy Guiliani
vowed to get rid of his opponents, much like he got rid of the hookers
and sex shops of the Old Times Square. Darryl Strawberry, in a violent
coke rage, proved to be a vital asset to the team. And to top that off,
NYC’s team mascots, The Sewer Rat and The Apartment Cockroach, got in
on the action and succeeded at grossing out their shockingly wimpy opponents,
the scissors.
Winner: NYC

Ramen (5) vs. String Cheese (12)
Ceasers Palace, Las Vegas
In a battle of foods Saturday afternoon, the snack
food that’s so fun to eat, String Cheese, put up a good, but unsuccessful
challenge to the main stay of college kids everywhere; Ramen noodles.
While string cheese proved to be a tasty and entertaining snack food,
it’s hard-to-open packaging was no match for the highly inexpensive
meal of Ramen. Ramen also had the advantage of using it’s highly loyal
fan base of college kids to support them in what proved to be a battle
of brand loyalty.
Everyone knows what Ramen is, but few have a certain
brand of string cheese that they return to time and time again. That,
more than anything else, secured the victory for Team Ramen.
Winner: Ramen