Who will survive?

Mike Leto
VP University Advancement

• In charge of massive fundraising program designed to get you to donate
  more money to CMU after graduation. As if the fees and parking tickets
  weren’t enough to send you to the poorhouse!

Random Mullet Guy
Marty’s Bar

• Spends his time at local hairbars, looking to buy a can of Keystone
  light for a lucky woman half his age.
• Insists on wearing his hair hockey-player style (short on top, long
  down the back). Also known as Business Up Front, Party In Back. (See
  also Hulk Hogan and Jaromir Jagr, pre-haircut).

Herb Deromedi
Athletics Director

• Someone ought to pay for the shoddy state of CMU athletics. Then
  again, a lot of our smaller programs do very well. But then there’s
  football …
• …and the massive amount of cash it takes from other programs that
  deserve and need more money.

Dick Flynn
Former Football Head Coach

• If you can’t blame Herb for the poor football teams of the past few
  years, perhaps former coach Flynn is to blame. Who kicks a field goal
  on fourth down from the goal line?

Leonard Plachta
Former University President

• He’s big, he’s bad, and as far as accountants go, he’s the best.
  Except for the whole New Initiatives accounting thing. Oops.

William Hackel
Former Macomb County Sheriff

• The most troubling dilemma. Do we get rid of him because he’s a convicted
  sex offender, or do we keep him on the island because he’s a convicted
  sex offender?

Fran Voll
Women’s Basketball Coach

• It’s not that the demise of the women’s basketball program is all
  his fault. But, a lot of women have left the program lately, and we’re
  just wondering why…

Janet Reno
U.S. Attorney General

• Other than the fact that she took an innocent Cuban kid from his
  family (at gun point!) and misled Congress, we can’t think of any reason
  to vote her off the island. Can you?