Are you phobophobic? How to tell…

What is the one thing that scares you the most in the world? The thing that makes you want to crawl under your covers, laying still until it goes away? The thing that makes you want to take off running as fast as you can in the opposite direction?
Maybe it’s something that doesn’t have that profound an effect on you, just enough so that it creeps you out to an extremely uncomfortable degree. Whatever that “thing” is, it is your phobia.
Phobias range from the common; acrophobia, the fear of heights, to the plain bizarre; alektorophobia, the fear of chickens. The coming of Halloween and curiosity about my own phobias led me to research the topic and present to you, the reader, a (somewhat, but not very) complete list of phobias. Some, you may have heard of (i.e., agoraphobia-the fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places). Others may be completely new and different (hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia-the fear of long words). I have not made up any of these phobias or their names. Those with phobophobia (the fear of phobias), be warned.
Autodysomophobics (those who fear people with vile odors) will never make friends with ablutophobics (those who have a fear of bathing or washing), but might hang out with someone who has bromidrosiphobia, the fear of body smells.
Most college students (myself included) suffer from at least one of the following; scoliophobia (the fear of school), testophobia (the fear of taking tests), didaskaleinophobia (the fear of going to school), hypengyophobia (the fear of responsibility) or ergophobia (the fear of work).
But most don’t seem to suffer from potophobia (the fear of alcohol), melophobia (the fear or hatred of music) or genophobia (the fear of sex).
Some phobias are so bizarre, one wonders how a person could function normally in day to day life. Showering or looking in a mirror must be hell for geniophobics (those who fear chins) and genuphobics (those who fear knees).
Life must be very dull and lonely for those with geliophobia (the fear of laughter), haphephobia (the fear of being touched), philophobia (the fear of falling in love or being in love), philemaphobia (the fear of kissing) or phronemophobia (the fear of thinking).
This time of year has brought a new batch of phobias to the forefront. The number of politicophobics, or those who fear or dislike politicians, has more than tripled in this election year. If “Blair Witch 2: The Book of Shadows” is anything like the first one, than there will be a few more people suffering from hylophobia (the fear of the woods) and myctophobia (fear of the darkness).
Phobias range from person to person. In a very scientific study, I surveyed several people on what their greatest fear is. My neighbor, Matt, has such an intense fear of bridges that he will do almost anything possible to avoid them, even if it means driving an hour out of his way to get somewhere. His roommate has a mysterious fear of mayonnaise that has yet to be explained.
My friend Merrideth has a fear of holes. Anthills, rabbit burrows and wasps nests lead her to shudder in disgust. She was very disappointed to discover that while the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of ones mouth has been given a name (arachibutyrophobia), her personal phobia has not.
One of my roommates would only tell me his fear if I promised to keep his identity hidden. Levi P., suffers from lutraphobia. Yes, that’s right. This Mason senior is afraid of otters, the cutest, most harmless animals since puppies and kittens. “They look all cute, but I think that they’ve got something evil going on inside of their heads,” L. Pulver said.
Some people have multiple phobias. One friend of mine suffers from the fear of lakes (limnophobia), horses (equinophobia) and French people and culture (francophobia).
I myself suffer from quite a few phobias. Namely: aichmophobia (the fear of needles), aracnophobia (spiders), automatonophobia (ventriloquists dummies, wax statues, etc.), decidophobia (the fear of making decisions), doraphobia (fear of fur or animal skins, unless it’s on a living animal), pediophobia (the fear of dolls), but mostly coulrophobia, the fear of clowns.
Many people ask me why I and so many other people share a fear of this seemingly innocent icon. Well, I can’t speak for anybody else, but here are my five reasons:
1.) The movie “It.” This scary Stephen King story featured an evil clown that killed little kids.
2.) The actual child murderer during the 1970s who dressed up like a clown and killed kids. I can’t recall his exact name, something like Gacy, but the story of a real-life clown who killed people was enough to make me fear them even more.
3.) The movie that features evil clowns from space who drink human blood. I know it was cheesy as hell, but it still creeped me out.
4.) I never, ever, liked the circus, and clowns are a major part of the circus. Plus, I always thought it was a little strange that they could fit, like, twenty-three of them into a Volkswagen. If they have the power to do that, just think what other powers they could possess. Especially if they’re evil clowns.
5.) I don’t like anybody dressed up so that I can’t see their face. I can’t explain it. I just don’t like it.
I hope that clears a few things up on the subject of clowns.
Don’t stress out too much if you have one, or even several phobias. As long as you aren’t up at night in a cold sweat, wondering if any otters, chickens, or heaven forbid, clowns know where you live, a phobia is nothing to worry about. Just be happy that you don’t have panophobia, the fear of everything.
To all those who don’t have samhainophobia, (the fear of Halloween), have a happy Halloween and remember: as long as you have a short friend, you can go out trick or treating until you’re 25. Just pretend to be his/her parent. It works, trust me.