Jerry Hoffman

Holiday spirit and snow is in the air. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and we are faced with yet another expensive holiday in less than a month’s time.
Rather than sitting down and relaxing after a long day at work, one must continue their torture at America’s places of commerce. They herd their groups of snot-nosed screaming banshees to the local mall, where not only is holiday spirit in the air, but also an overheated stuffiness and a strange musk that compels the shopper to buy as much as possible. This magic musk seems to cause severe headaches, drowsiness, and irritability if you walk out without a shopping bag in your hand.
To avoid hearing approximately nine million versions of “Little Drummer Boy” this holiday season, I have taken the liberty of making you a shopping guide that is sure to make life at the mall easier.
Before you go out into the fray, a few things should be remembered. First of all, all traffic laws become null and void in a crowded parking lot of any mall in America.
Second, proper battle gear is essential. While a full set of football pads is too cumbersome, the following list of essentials will help you get more than three feet in any store: steel-toed boots, brass elbows, a can of Mace, a wallet chain, a death metal shirt such as Morbid Angel or Cannibal Corpse, and if you can manage, a mustard gas bomb in case things get ugly. Don’t forget your gas mask, either.
Third, and most importantly, mall population demographics. All you need to know about this is that the crowd is 99% mothers and 1% people like you. Watch your back at all times.
Now that you’re ready for trench warfare, a.k.a. shopping, the question of gifts is on your mind. It could take hours to find the perfect gift. Like any good soldier, er, customer, you want to spend as little time on this as possible so that you can go back to your 3DO games. Not to worry, because the following list will be almost indispensable to you in finding the perfect gift.
Grandpa: The man who has everything and wants nothing. Yet you have to give him a gift or endure the torture of a lecture from Mom. So, since he’s been having such gastrointestinal distress lately, it’s off to the novelty store for a whoopee cushion. That way he can pretend like he’s farting in the bathroom when he sits on the toilet and nothing happens.
Grandma: Another person who has it all. The solution is at your local party store, or perhaps tobacco dealer. Two words, one answer: Mini-Thins. Grandma is always complaining about how tired she is all the time. With these babies, now she’ll get lots of stuff done, and not sleep until 3 p.m. every day.
Uncle Ralph, the hunter: You know the type, lifetime subscription to the Remington catalog and Soldier of Fortune magazine; the one who has more guns in his den than the Michigan Militia. The only thing to get him is something that he would never expect: A copy of John Lennon’s “Imagine.” Wonder what he’s gonna do with it.
Aunt Martha, the neat freak: Once again, it could be anyone. However, it seems that the Aunt Marthas and Uncle Ralphs of the world usually end up related in some way, whether by legal methods or blood. At any rate, you should get her something that not only complements her personality, but contrasts it as well. A gun-cleaning kit should suffice very nicely.
Girlfriend: The one who you absolutely under no circumstances know what to get for Christmas, and they only hint at what they want. We as men take suggestions, not hints. They should suggest what would make a good present, and we’ll get it for them. Anyway, my suggestion is a three-part gift that will last you not only for Christmas, but her birthday and your anniversary as well. The answer is: a vacuum cleaner. You get her the bags for her birthday, and all the attachments for your anniversary. See how nice that works, and you wrapped up three occasions into one.
Mom: They work just like girlfriends, they hint, and don’t suggest. But, your mother already has a vacuum cleaner, so what now? Well, since she’s trying to lose weight, go to a mirror shop and get her a concave mirror, or one that makes you look skinnier in layman’s terms. At any rate, it should stop the complaining about how she looks in the mirror. To complement that, set her scale down ten pounds. Trust me, she’ll thank you.
Dad: He never says a word about what he wants for Christmas, or all of it is out of your price range. Or is it? He wants a chainsaw for Christmas, go to Toys R Us. He wants a set of tools for Christmas, go to Toys R’ Us. Whatever he wants, it’s in your price range at Toys R Us.
Now that your shopping is done, you can lay back, relax, and wait anxiously for the surprised looks on the faces you your relatives on Christmas. Just remember that every gift came straight from the heart with a minimum of time expended. After all, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

E-mail the author: David Palmer LIFE Et cetera Writer