Celebrate your rights on the Fourth of July

People will probably be doing one of two things on the fourth of July.
One option is to show your love for the country you are privileged to live in.
You can do this by exercising and celebrating your rights.
Unfortunately, the only people who seem to do this are the beadwearing junkies
who protest America.
You can find him by following a scent of patchouli stink straight to a coffeeshop.
The shoeless man— dressed in his best burlap sack, doing a bad Bob Dylan
on open mic night— that’s him.
The irony of using his rights, granted to him here in America but not, say, in
the communist dictatorships he loves so much, is lost on him. But that’s
ok. The acid has probably fried his brain.
The rest of us will be eating a burger, extending a large middle digit toward
the fanatical animals rights crowd. To rub it in to the vegans, we’ll add
a piece of cheese and perhaps —if we’re lucky— some freshly clubbed
baby seal meat.
I’m kidding. Baby seals aren’t in season until fall.
Now, what is so beautiful about America is that an idiot like Patchouli Pete (his
new name) is allowed to go around and spread his hippie lies. No one threatens
to jail him for his views. It’s the half pound of dope the cops might be
concerned with.
All of which got me thinking. How can we, the normal, law-abiding citizenry do
both this year? How can we celebrate our rights AND have a good time doing it?
1st Amendment: Freedom of speech, religion, the press.
Think of it like this. The government cannot stop you from expressing your political
or religious views. Take advantage of this right by tracking down Patchouli Pete
and challenging him to a scholarly debate.
Yeah, right. Just beat him up already. Hippies like that.
2nd Amendment: Right to own a gun.
Now that Michigan citizens are allowed to carry pistols, apply and get yourself
a permit. And the next time some thug tries to steal your car or rape your wife,
explain to him that Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson disagree. Then call a lawyer.
3rd Amendment: Government can’t house soldiers in your home.
This really isn’t pertinent today, unless you happen to have lived in Waco
or Ruby Ridge. In those cities, government Nazi’s felt free to storm your
house and kill a few dozen folks. Celebrate by thanking god Janet Reno is not
your mother-in-law and, therefore, not at your fourth of July picnic.
4th Amendment: No search and seizure without warrant.
Chances are, the last time you really needed this amendment, you were in college
hiding drugs from the RA. Which, for some people, describes yesterday. And tomorrow.
Nonetheless, celebrate this right by blowing off the fireworks you illegally obtained
from a man named Gus off of I-75 just south of Toledo, Ohio. Those are the hidden
ones the cops can’t come looking for.
5th Amendment: No double Jeopardy and no self-incrimination.
(I had no idea Alex Trebek was old enough to be in the Bill of Rights.) This means,
after you have been found innocent, the government can’t just charge you
again (and again, until they get it right.) And, they can’t make you testify
against yourself.
While this is nice for most us, it also is the amendment that let O.J. Simpson
off to date again. If you plan on doing something criminal for the Fourth, do
what OJ did. Commit your crime in a small community where everyone knows and likes
you.
After all, you get a jury trial and, friends don’t let friends do jail time.
6th Amendment: Right to speedy jury trial with lawyer.
I have long advocated applying the second amendment to the problem of lawyer overpopulation.
But I digress.
As a precautionary measure, befriend a lawyer by inviting him to your picnic.
That way, when you need the sixth amendment, he’ll hook you up for free.
7th Amendment: Trial by jury.
We’ve covered this already. It’s the same principle as the lawyer —
invite most of the town to your picnic. While expensive, these now-grateful neighbors
will probably be the pool for any jury trial you might face.
8th Amendment: No cruel and unusual punishment.
This amendment keeps the government from, say, torturing you. Yet, it has the
right to kill you. How delightfully twisted is that?
Celebrate this amendment by imposing some cruel and unusual punishment of your
own — cook a live lobster.
9th Amendment: Rights not enumerated are reserved.
This is the small print portion of the Constitution. Basically, this says that
even if something isn’t in the Constitution, the government can’t just
go ahead and do it.
Celebrate this by doing all the things the government wishes it could stop you
from doing. Use extra charcoal— high toxicity if possible. Run your air conditioning
on high all day long. If you smoke, go through two packs instead of one.
And above all else, teach your kids about America. It’ll only begin to undo
the liberal crap they teach him in grade school.
10th Amendment: Powers reserved for the states.
Anything the Constitution does not specifically deal with is a power that only
the states can mess with.
The federal government has proven they are retarded by not understanding this
amendment actually applies to them. They have no jurisdiction over education,
health care, and, well, just about anything else they have stuck their nose into.
To get a better idea of what this means, think about the size of government in
1850. Now imagine the largesse that is today’s multi-trillion dollar debacle.
Basically, everything that has been added is illegal.
Celebrate this amendment by trying to figure out why the government makes companies
put the nutritional facts on picnic foods like Coke and potato chips.
Or, just ignore everything I wrote and just enjoy your burger. Patchouli Pete
can wait.
LIFE Editor John Thorpe can be reached for comment at editor@cm-life.com.