New name, new family, same me

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My byline will change after this weekend, but I’ll still be me.

My name will change from Melissa Grunow to Melissa Chavez Saturday, after my family and friends watch me exchange vows with the one man who will keep me fulfilled for the rest of my life.

Not only will we make a commitment to each other, but we will make a commitment to Joshua, John’s 9-year-old son, as we become not only a couple, but a family.

Since our engagement Jan. 20, people continue to ask me if I’m nervous, and the closer it gets to the wedding date, the more frequent their questions become.

And no, I’m not nervous about the wedding or the marriage. However, I am a little nervous about parenting, or more specifically, stepparenting.

After my parents divorced and my dad remarried, I experienced the dark world of being a stepchild, and eventually a half-sibling.

I watched my mom (I refuse to use the prefix “step”) give up a career to take care of us and prove to everyone that her love for my dad was all she needed to make a potentially impossible relationship function.

I watched her sacrifices, her struggles and her slow acceptance of a world so different than hers, and I knew I never would repeat her choices.

But now, at the age of 21, I don’t have a choice. In three days, I will accept a 9-year-old stranger into my life as my child because I fell in love with and decided to marry a man who has a son.

There are a lot of differences between the two situations. John and his ex-girlfriend have maintained a civil and open relationship for the sake of Joshua. After John and I get married, I won’t have to give up my career plans or goals because Joshua lives in a different state.

And coming into this relationship, I will be armed with the knowledge and experience of a stepchild, and memories of my mom’s experiences.

As I’ve grown older I’ve become much closer with my mom, and she’s even standing up as the matron of honor in my wedding. She has warned me about feelings and doubts that have already started to nag me.

She worries I will feel inadequate if John and I ever have children together because I’ll be new to the experience and he will not.

She worries about my relationship with Joshua, and any kind of negative influence Joshua’s mom will have on my relationship with John.

She worries about me, which actually gives me comfort, because it proves stepparent-stepchild relationships can and do work.

I never thought I would have children, and I never considered having a 9-year-old in my care at the age of 21. I never planned for it or expected it, but after my first visit with Joshua ended, I realized I missed him and felt that instinctual love and attachment a mother feels toward her son.

I’m still scared, but my feelings and concerns are less important to me than my new family, and I know that’s what being a mother is all about.

The sacrifices don’t seem so impossible anymore.

LIFE Editor Melissa Grunow can be reached for comment via e-mail at editor@cm-life.com.