All I want for Christmas is … a whole bunch of cool stuff

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Last year I wrote a column about how much I hated Christmas, but I did a little soul searching and realized it isn’t all that bad. For starters, you get stuff. If you play your cards right, you get a lot of stuff. So in the spirit of nothing in particular, here are some things I want:

• A crowbar and some brass knuckles, since, on Christmas Eve, I’ll
  be making some “deliveries” of my own
• A police uniform so I can direct downtown traffic when I’m bored
• A DVD of “It’s a Wonderful Life” that includes the alternate
  killing-spree ending they talk about on “The Simpsons”
• To go back in time and avert the sequence of events that resulted in my
  week in a Turkish prison
• Some Legos
• A monkey to clean my apartment and throw its feces at intruders
• For Tony Danza to finally drop the restraining order
• For my roommate to shoot a deer so we can finally stop eating mice
• A sassy robot
• For Axl Rose, Scott Stapp and Fred Durst to form a supergroup, do a big
  show and then jump together off a cliff
• An “audio cassette” by whatever “popular music group”
  the kids are into these days
• A Steak ‘n’ Shake or Denny’s. No offense to the good people
  at Lil’ Chef, but variety is the spice of life
• One of those iron lungs. You know, just in case
• A plate of turkey and mashed potatoes with hot gravy. Wait, minus the
  mashed potatoes; I just want a plate of turkey and gravy. Minus the plate
  and the turkey; I just want a handful of hot gravy. Minus the handful; I
  just want you to pour hot gravy into my lap
• For someone to take me back to that magical night in the cold, dark alley
• Keith Richards’ tolerance
• A box full of cell phones, so I can wander around campus and chuck them
  at people who are talking on cell phones
• For Al Roker to tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story
• To have some children of my own, so I can put them right to work
• For the office staff to stop making me come to work in this deviant-looking
  leather costume
• To finally receive my Nobel Prize for recreational chemistry
• Some of those “weapons of mass destruction” everyone keeps talking
  about
• For all the girls that have ever rejected me to come over and rake my
  lawn
• South Dakota
• For MTV’s “Cribs” to tape a segment at my abode for its
  “Rathole College Apartments” episode. As we enter the bedroom,
  I’ll be sure to say, “This is where the magic happens.”
• To be able to wake up happily, appreciate all I’ve been given and
  enjoy every moment of life. Failing that, a handful of barbiturates
• For people to exchange gifts on my birthday

See what you can do, Santa.