College is ‘fun, but huge hassle’

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Greetings, kids. If you’re reading this, you’ve already chosen to
come to Central Michigan University, so congratulations.

You’re in for the ride of a lifetime. The next four years of your life
will be a rollercoaster of personal growth and exciting new experiences.

Most of you will learn astonishing new things and pass countless milestones.
Many will lose their virginity or fall in love. Some will vomit out the passenger-side
door of a moving vehicle for the first time.

No matter what, your college experience will be eventful and memorable, and
you will leave Central with the skills necessary for a long, enjoyable life,
full of —

OK, let’s cut the crap.

Sure, college is fun, but it’s also a huge hassle.

If you stick it out (and only half of you probably will), the next four years
— more likely five — will give you big headaches.

You will struggle to make friends, keep your head above the academic water
and convince your parents you’re not wasting their money.

And let’s not even talk about all the regrettable hook-ups you’re
about to have.

But, hey, you gotta live it up while you’re in college. In 10 years,
this all will be a blur anyway, so what happens here, for the most part, stays
here. Plus, you’ll need to have some good stories to tell when you graduate
without a job and move back in with your parents.

So, as a seasoned CMU veteran, it’s my esteemed duty to pass along some
advice to all you freshmen, or, as we call you, fresh meat:

• Immediately upon moving in, identify the people on your floor with
fake IDs, and make friends with them. I can’t tell you how important this
is. Also, your RA probably will not accept alcohol as a bribe, so don’t
try.

• Decorate your room with posters that clearly and plainly advertise
your interests. It’s a good way to get the word out about what kind of
person you are without having actual conversations.

• Get to know your neighbors. Chances are, you will be friends with them
for most of your college career. If you don’t like the people you live
by, write a letter to the folks at Residence Life who are arbitrarily mapping
out your social life.

• In college, you have to keep your syllabuses, or syllabi, as we say
in the academic community. Also, don’t be an idiot and buy textbooks before
classes start. You’ll waste hundreds of dollars on books you’ll never
open.

• Turn off your cell phone. If it rings in class, your professor will
hate you. If it rings in a class that I happen to be in, I will pimp-slap you
across your stupid face.

• If you want to avoid the cops, don’t walk to the Wayside or Main
Street with half your floor from the Towers. Law-enforcement types around here
are lazy, and there’s nothing they like more than an easy target, i.e.
a large herd of obviously underage drinkers.

• If you’re big on clubbing, you’ll spend Thursday nights getting
groped by guys my age. Also, try not to contract herpes. I hear that’s
pretty bad.

• Think carefully about your meal plan. Do you realize every trip to
the dining commons will cost you something like eight dollars? No joke, eight
dollars! My advice is to go there with your backpack and leave with at least
five deli sandwiches every time.

Also, the food you’ll be served at orientation is considerably better
than the god-awful crap you’ll get in the fall.

• Guys: If you own an acoustic guitar, learn some Dave Matthews songs,
and play them with the door open. It’s a handy way to meet ladies.

• Girls: I don’t have much to say to you. But if you make friends
with a guy and you have no romantic interest in him whatsoever, for the love
of God, don’t lead the poor bastard on. There are lots more girls at Central
than there are guys, so you ought to be nice to us.

Well, that’s about all you need to know for now. The rest, you’ll
figure out. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me at troyreimink@yahoo.com.

See you in the fall, clowns!