What’s the point of daylight-saving time?

Early Sunday morning, we will be celebrating the end of daylight-saving
time.

In case you’ve forgotten, daylight-saving time was implemented to
make people try to remember how to set the time on their car radios.

Sure, I know it sounds fun.

“An extra hour of sleep? More time for crazy parties?” you ask.
“Where do I sign up?”

Not so fast, partner. Daylight-saving time is a gateway drug, the
first step on the slippery slope down to crazy time traveling misdeeds.
Next thing you know, you go back and hurt someone.

What does that make you? A jerk, that’s what.

I don’t want to sound unpatriotic, but I refuse to commemorate this
event. It’s the ultimate example of human arrogance.

I don’t care if time is a man-made construct to begin with. You
can’t just set back clocks like that. I’m concerned about paradoxes in
the space-time continuum, and all you’re concerned about is your petty
farmland operations?

We have priorities here, friends.

The practice of DST is an antiquated one. It serves no actual
purpose but to carry on the tradition of human suffering. You know,
like “The Lottery” story or the necktie (you’d know this if you’ve read
“The Lottery” or have ever worn a necktie).

Knowing you miserable people, however, I know you’ll follow through
in corrupting your clocks. I’m ashamed of you all. Especially you.

And now, “Daylight-Saving Time is Awesome,” by Paul Isakson.

If you’re like me, you have a hard time waking up. If you are me,
then it’s a major testament of willpower to do so. I feel like I
deserve a parade every day just because of this. (Spoiler alert: The
parade never comes.)

This problem of mine stems from two roots.

The natural clock — my body isn’t programmed to operate before
noon, or on weekdays.

The “Happy Days” marathon that went on all throughout last night.
That stuff cracks me up.

Anyway, the problem remains — there aren’t enough hours in the day
for me to get my full 16 hours of sleep.

I came up with a pretty good solution, trust me.

Here it is — add an hour every week (“falling back,” as they say it
on the street). Falling back is great. It’s like time traveling back an
hour.

In fact, you can commit any crime in that hour, and then do
something completely innocent for the next hour. Your record will be
clean — brilliant, I know.

It may not be saving any daylight, but I’m sure the farmers will
understand.

I need my sleep. If we follow through on my game plan, I get my
extra sleep. Everyone wins.

“But wait!” you bellyache, “It’ll be dark out sometimes!”

Whatever.

We are, according to 20th Century-type people, in the future. We
don’t need to be awake during the day because we have robots to do that
for us.

Quit your bellyaching, it doesn’t become you.

Winner: Paul Isakson.

Paul Isakson can be reached at humor@cm-life.com.