I have a beard.

And I’m OK with it.

The problem is, most of society is not.

Since I’ve started growing my beard, people have compared me to a lumberjack, a member of the Amish community, and that one dude from Iron and Wine (whose beard I appreciate more than his music).

No one compares me to some of the great bearded men like Aristotle, Charles Darwin, Sean Connery or Gandalf. I have been compared to Abraham Lincoln, but is that enough?

In today’s society, we associate beardsmanship (term coined by Humor Columnist Paul Isakson circa 2006) with rabbis and members of the Muslim community. Whatever happened to associating the beard simply with looking awesome? A beard for beardship (term coined by Frank Wisswell circa 2008) sake?

To me, beardhood and manhood go hand in hand. It’s something the ladies need to understand. If you like your man clean-shaven, there are plenty of high-school boys looking for a prom date. If you want a real man, my extension here at the CM Life office is 774-4340.

While beards on campus are becoming more and more popular (you have no idea how much they protect your face in the winter), they have yet to catch on in popular or even political culture.

There hasn’t been a beard in the presidency since Taft left in 1913. Looking at the current presidential frontrunners, we’re looking at a potential 100-year beard drought. Unacceptable.

No full beards, no mustaches, no goatees. Chinstraps? Don’t even think about it. Soul patches? Are you kidding me?

Not to say politicians haven’t tried.

When Al Gore appeared next to George W Bush in 2001 with a full beard, people questioned his beardly motives. Not only was he accused of having a midlife crisis or looking like an accountant on the lam (thanks a lot, Time magazine), but lampoons appeared everywhere from comics to Saturday Night Live (spoiler alert: it wasn’t funny).

Gore, I soon realized, was showing dignity in beardsmanship.

He may have lost the election (or at least conceded it) but he had the one up, Gore was a man in a world of politicians whose faces resembled those of boys. Albeit greyed, furrowed, wrinkled boys.

The presidency isn’t the only beard-deprived government body. Wikipedia’s beard entry (which is super interesting) says not one member of Congress has a beard. Only one state governor, New Jersey governor Jon Corzine, has a beard.

I don’t care if Granholm is a stone cold fox, Corzine is my new favorite governor.

Does having a beard make a person more or less of a citizen? Ask armies all across the world.

Canada, France, Israel, The Netherlands, the United Kingdom, Norway, Sweden and the United States all have beard regulations unless the beard is worn for religious reasons. Many of them hide behind the excuse that beards interfere with gas masks.

My solution? A gas mask which leaves room for your flowing facial locks while still protecting your nose and mouth. It can be done.

And I’m lucky I was always picked last for baseball and don’t live in New York. Both the Yankees and the Mets prohibit beards.

So let’s bring back the beard. I’m starting a written contract here and now pledging to support any major candidate who vows to grow a beard.

So come on Obama, McCain or even Clinton. Grow for me.

news@cm-life.com

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