Home » Voices » Letters »

Cohabitation can ruin relationships

By Letter to the Editor on March 24, 2010 2:20 am in Letters / 15 comments

 

Last week’s advice column recommended that a community female and her boyfriend cohabitate.

This is not good advice for anyone who would like to be in a fruitful and lasting relationship.
We can define cohabitation as a male and female living together outside of marriage.

This begs the question: why not be married?

The answer, as suggested by the columnist, is that it would be a trial period for marriage.

What is to be tested?

What conditions would restrict you from loving that person?

If you cannot commit, it is obvious that you have reservations about being married with that person.

That’s okay.

Focus on that and resolve it with your partner.

Odds are, cohabitation will not resolve the division between you two and it will only widen and deepen that division.

True love is unconditional.

Cohabitation teaches how to live, not love, with conditions.

Roommates and pets are kicked out because of not meeting exceptions or conditions.

That is cohabitation.

When you are unhappy in a cohabitation relationship, you will be more likely to blame your partner for your unhappiness.

The feeling compels cohabitation.

True love is patient.

Visit docshare.com for a fine summary of cohabitation statistics with appropriate citations that will lead you to the research behind the conclusions.

This is a discussion worth having. It is worth having for the sake of your relationship.

Cohabitation exposes the divide between partners in painful ways. It is not the way to love.

There will be unreconciled feelings of hurt, loss and spite.

Surely, it would be better if we did not kid ourselves into thinking that we can test our relationships like a 90-day “risk-free” product trial.

Because the risk is the loss of love.

Patrick Haggerty
Mount Pleasant resident

 

Tags

, ,

Related Posts

 
  • Mark

    Uh. I don’t think this begs the question of “why not be married” at all, what kind of moronic logic are you using?

    “Cohabitation statistics”??? Have you SEEN divorce rates in this country? Perhaps not everyone is as obsessed with the joke of an institution that is marriage as you are.

  • Jim O’Bryan

    I’ve been in both types of relationships outside of marriage, and from first hand experience I can say that cohabitation is worth a shot if you are considering marriage. I am not saying everyone needs to or should stay away from it, but it is a good test to see how well you can live with the other person in the same space.
    I think you have it all wrong when you ask Why not be married?,What is to be tested?, and What conditions would restrict you from loving that person?

    First of all, marriage is a the union of a man and woman as recognized by the law as a husband and wife. a reason not to get married to avoid the contract and the law all together.
    Second, a lot of things are tested when you live with somebody, just ask anyone who has cohabited with their partner. Behavior changes, patients become tested, usually the true partner comes out behind their dating mask, and so on.
    Third, living together and loving together are two very different concepts. If you truly love someone it is unconditional, you’re right, but feelings do change, and living with someone is a good way to test if your feelings are truly strong enough to withstand living with the person.

    As far as the widening and deepening of the division between the partners, you are correct, and that is part of the test. People should NOT live together to fix their relationship, just like you should NOT get married to strengthen the love of the relationship.

    Again, I am not suggesting you jump into anything huge here, but depending on the type of person you are, the type of relationship you have with your partner and your lifestyle, you should at least consider the option of living with them. If it doesn’t work, you just go back to the way it was, unlike with marriage.

  • Dustin

    This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, who are you to say what is right. You say to look at cohabitation statistics, look at marriage statistics. At least in MOST cases in college cohabitation the couple doesn’t bring a child along like many divorces. Also there isn’t the drama of court and dividing of expenses. Have you ever thought that the reasons college students, don’t get married is money? Do you know how much an even inexpensive wedding cost? I would rather live together now unmarried and have a wedding we both deserve. Than be married with a shotty wedding.

  • Jim O’Bryan

    … and what is the Intercollegiate Athletics Director doing talking about student cohabitation? Sounds like a bitter guy, warning us of the hell that is living with your partner. The bottom line is this: No matter what you do in your relationship, love is on the line, and if you wish to test the waters of the post marriage living situation before the huge (and expensive) commitment, it is your own prerogative. After all, if it fails, you have a lot less to lose then if you wait until after you are married, and stupid living habits begin to crop up that were never there. “I didn’t know my wife was a hoarder until we got married and moved in together.” OUCH

  • Sarah Downes

    I think you would notice if your future wife was a hoarder…Just because you don’t live together doesn’t mean that you never learn anything about the other person. And if you are the type of person who would stop loving your wife because she had an issue like hoarding, than you are not a man. Which is exactly the point. Love is neither safe or perfect.

    And if you aren’t living together to test love, then why take such issue with the original post? The post is about whether or not cohabitation is a good test for marriage, not whether it is a good test for a temporary relationship not based in love.

    I fail to understand the logic of these commentators who say that cohabitation is a good test for marriage, and also that marriage is a sham. Which is it? You all seem to be saying that cohabitation is a good test for a sham thing. If marriage is such a sham for you, then why test for it? The real issue here is the view of marriage. It’s like you don’t believe that you are actually capable of promising to love someone who is messy or leaves the toilet seat up. Love is not about finding perfection but choosing to love even when it sucks.

    Jim, I would like to see statistics backing up your claims that cohabitation is a good idea. Your facts are only your own thoughts back up by only your own experience. Unlike the original comment. The reality is that divorce is a serious issue in this country. Since data suggests a stronger correlation between cohabitation and divorce… it is important to understand why.

    So I’m asking, why? Why are couples who cohabitate more likely to get divorced?

  • Peter

    “If you truly love someone it is unconditional, you’re right, but feelings do change, and living with someone is a good way to test if your feelings are truly strong enough to withstand living with the person.”

    Jim, let me tell you right now feelings will definitely change whether you get married or continue to date a person. If you think that you’re always going to be having “happy feelings” in your relationship than you’re greatly mistaken. True love is a choice that is made by one person towards another. Sometimes it’s accompanied by positive and happy feelings which makes it easier to love someone but other times there aren’t any positive or “happy feelings” at all and it’s then that true love proves itself. If you can commit yourselves to seeking the good of each another day in and day out regardless of how you may “feel” towards the other person at a particular time then you know that there is true love there…anything less than this complete and total commitment isn’t true love so it’s not even worth the effort.

    Trust me, your relationship isn’t going to last with another person if your love is determined by how you “feel” towards them from one minute to the next…feelings can make love easier or harder but they don’t make love itself, that depends ultimately on you and the person you are in a relationship with because its a choice made by the both of you towards one another to be committed exclusively to each another and to seek the true good of one another no matter what.

  • Carrie

    Think about it, Jim. If people are simply living with someone with no real commitment and they start having problems, they are much more likely to say forget it, break up, and move on. On the other hand, if people are actually married when they start having problems, they are going to be more likely to try to work things out because of their marriage. That is why statistics support that living together before marriage may not be the best idea.

  • Jim O’Bryan

    And that is why I say it is all up to the person in their particular situation. Marriage doesn’t necessary count as the “mature maker.” If you are easy going to give up on your partner, regardless of your living situation or marital status, you should be reconsidering the relationship anyway. All I am saying is that it is ok to want to test the “living together” aspect, which inevitably comes with marriage, then if it works, you can add all the other aspects of marriage after the ceremony.

  • Nicole

    When my now husband and I became engaged, we found a place together. Those were some of the best years of our life. We'd do it all over again and the haters out there, in my experience, have many more problems than we've had. We've been quite blessed and have three beautiful children. To make a blanket statement that you're doomed for failure if a couple chooses to live together is a major generalization! All marriages and relationships have rocky points and to boil it down to cohabitation is simplistic. Those with stakes in the matter against cohabitation are cross-eyed because they are focused on failure. They don't realize that along with the failures are many successes. Same for the non-cohabiting couples. We've never had problems in our relationship or our marriage from cohabiting, we've had problems from rude judgmental pompous in laws that are no longer worth our time. They are far from an inspiration in their hypocritical lives. We strive NOT to be like them :)

  • Donna

    Mr Haggerty is correct in his analysis. Marriages that being as cohabitations have twice the divorce rate as those who didn't live together first. Calling people “judgemental haters” for stating facts that any psychologist knows is anti-intellectual.

    There is a huge difference in the treatment of a rental home and home you buy. Cohabitators tend to act like renters and carry that attitude into marriage. They have the highest domestic violence rates of any other group.

  • JenniferCecelia

    Cohabitation does not have to mean living in the same house. You could always take turns having private sleepovers (just the two of you) at each other's houses, and spend the day together. Do this frequently, so you eventually (hopefully) get a feel for how each other behaves in their own home, at ease. If you come to realize that you dislike them more in these environments, they might not be right for you. Better to find out like that than after making everyone think your in love, based on your wedding day (that you should never have more than once, and which should be a big white special wedding, so don't spoil it by getting married right away)

  • JenniferCecelia

    Um if I was married to someone before getting to know them better, I would be pissed. I would be depressed and feel trapped, and ashamed because I disagree with divorce with a fiery passion. I rather make sure I marry the person who I truly want to pass on children with.

  • JenniferCecelia

    Maybe it is not the cohabitation that is the problem, maybe it is the kind of people that cohabitate that have problems, just like all the people who marry first instead, who end up divorcing. Those who cohabitate might cohabitate more than once before finding the right person, manage to not get pregnant with any of them, and are able to pick the right one, get married, and end up staying together happily. It depends on how you look at things psychologically and perceptibly, and who you end up picking as a partner.

  • Donna

    “Cohabitation does not have to mean living in the same house”

    Yes it does. That is what cohabitation means.

    The way to get to know someone is to DATE them. Shacking up with them beforehand destroys the marriage because the bad habits developed while shacking up are only cemented during marriage. If shacking up was such a great deal then the divorce rate of those who lived together before marriage wouldn't be astronomical. [85%]

    People who shack up tend to have a renters mentality that keeps score. When the score is not even, they tend to resort to abusive tactics to settle the score. This is why domestic assaults occur almost exclusively in shack up situations and marriages that began that way.

    People who marry after they shack up have an 85% divorce rate. But only 50% of shackers ever get that far, because shackers tend to run at the first sign of trouble in the relationship. They tend to only stay together until something better comes along or until the inevitable conflict presents itself.