COLUMN: Welcome! Now please be quiet
It’s so nice to see the streets around campus filled with joyous young adults every Welcome Weekend.
This year I sat on a lawn in a pool chair on High Street Saturday night and watched severely inebriated people. It was marvelous.
Entire dorm floors were moving tentatively down the sidewalk. I repeatedly shouted questions at people as they walked past, because I am a jerk and because it was a celebration.
One man, who we nicknamed “Champ,” had a bloody hand loosely wrapped in gauze.
“What happened to your hand, Champ?”
“Totally,” he slurred, then stumbled onward toward some unhappy ending.
As an extra-senior senior I expected this sort of debauchery. I knew to use the alley to get to my driveway because of all the broken glass in my street. Apart from the idiots who drive drunk or start fights, I think Welcome Weekend is a good time; people deserve to have fun.
Having said all that, Welcome Weekend is over.
I finally understand how irritating it is to be the neighbor of the guy showing off his sweet new stereo by blaring MGMT. I am so sorry. I am positive that you have already taken what you need from it. Now move your speakers back into your apartment.
I know your schedule totally only starts at two, broloney, but I have to get up early.
Because I am poor and my house doesn’t have air conditioning, I like to sleep with my windows open — which means the fascinating screamed debate you’re having with Becky about totally gross purple hair extensions might as well be taking place in my living room. Just go away.
I don’t want to come off as a grouch. I’m a fun guy! Sometimes I eat Pop-Tarts for dinner. WILD. There is a completely reasonable portion of the week when I honestly don’t care what you want to get up to.
Thursday night chicken fights in a kiddy pool filled with Hamburger Helper?
Have at it.
It’s Friday afternoon and you want to play Bop-It with your three hundred closest friends on your porch?
Not my idea of a good time; but twist it, pull it, and spin it to your heart’s content.
Waffles, mimosas and lawn darts on your roof Saturday morning while listening to a dubstep remix of Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” on repeat?
Yes. Oh God, yes. Actually, could I snag an invite?
But Sunday night through Thursday — it’s really time to have some respect for your neighbors. Be quiet.
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