COLUMN: Welcome! Now please be quiet

It’s so nice to see the streets around campus filled with joyous young adults every Welcome Weekend.

This year I sat on a lawn in a pool chair on High Street Saturday night and watched severely inebriated people. It was marvelous.

Entire dorm floors were moving tentatively down the sidewalk.  I repeatedly shouted questions at people as they walked past, because I am a jerk and because it was a celebration.

One man, who we nicknamed “Champ,” had a bloody hand loosely wrapped in gauze.

“What happened to your hand, Champ?”

“Totally,” he slurred, then stumbled onward toward some unhappy ending.

As an extra-senior senior I expected this sort of debauchery. I knew to use the alley to get to my driveway because of all the broken glass in my street. Apart from the idiots who drive drunk or start fights, I think Welcome Weekend is a good time; people deserve to have fun.

Having said all that, Welcome Weekend is over.

I finally understand how irritating it is to be the neighbor of the guy showing off his sweet new stereo by blaring MGMT. I am so sorry. I am positive that you have already taken what you need from it. Now move your speakers back into your apartment.

I know your schedule totally only starts at two, broloney, but I have to get up early.

Because I am poor and my house doesn’t have air conditioning, I like to sleep with my windows open — which means the fascinating screamed debate you’re having with Becky about totally gross purple hair extensions might as well be taking place in my living room. Just go away.

I don’t want to come off as a grouch. I’m a fun guy! Sometimes I eat Pop-Tarts for dinner. WILD. There is a completely reasonable portion of the week when I honestly don’t care what you want to get up to.

Thursday night chicken fights in a kiddy pool filled with Hamburger Helper?

Have at it.

It’s Friday afternoon and you want to play Bop-It with your three hundred closest friends on your porch?

Not my idea of a good time; but twist it, pull it, and spin it to your heart’s content.

Waffles, mimosas and lawn darts on your roof Saturday morning while listening to a dubstep remix of Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” on repeat?

Yes. Oh God, yes. Actually, could I snag an invite?

But Sunday night through Thursday — it’s really time to have some respect for your neighbors. Be quiet.