COLUMN: New keg law to effectively kill all Michigan parties

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Three weeks after the new keg law has taken effect, I would like to be the first to extend my hand in congratulations to the Michigan lawmakers and police.

For anyone unaware, the new addition to the musty tome of Michigan law requires retailers to tag every keg sold with the purchaser’s name, address, phone number, social security number, criminal history and medical history, so when the cavalry busts up a party of delinquents having a good time, the cops can identify the monster who bought the booze.

With the passage of the new law, our legislators have finally earned their franking privileges and come to a cognizant agreement on an issue more important than pork, casework or dreams of gerrymandering: they’ve decided to crack down on broke college students bemoaning cuts to higher education and drowning their sorrows in sweet keg beer by giving the cops a chance to say, “Buck up, chump. A court date for the friend whose name is on this tag will sure teach your conscience a lesson.”

I applaud the foresight of the Michigan Congress in seeing there is no better teacher than fear and guilt. The theory, of course, is the terror of landing a friend in trouble and the remorse felt once that friend has been slapped with a hefty fine will ward against impropriety and make upstanding citizens of us all.

We can’t fight terrorism when we’re drunk and we can’t apply for a job holding a plastic red cup. Our elected officials have once again shown they’re in it for the long term by making it easy for the underage to start doing things more productive, like contributing money to a political campaign.

So lawmakers will no doubt squawk with delight when they learn that not one party has taken place since Nov. 1, the day the law went into effect.

In fact, just last Saturday night I found my roommate, normally a ruthless partier, excessive drinker and therefore terrible person, in his room at his desk diligently calculating the limit of an equation. He doesn’t even have math this semester.

Surprised, I asked him about the sudden change of behavior. Surely on a Saturday night he should be bonging Keystone, getting into fights and chasing after women — keg law or no keg law.

Without missing a beat he said, “Well, once our lawmakers made it illegal, I just knew there had to be something wrong with going to parties.”

There was twinkle in his eye and a strain in his voice as he spoke. “Why would they outlaw it if it wasn’t morally wrong? Everyone knows, after all, that our legislators know best.”

He added genuinely, “Thank God for the Michigan Congress.”