POINT: Internet-killing bill proposed for more sinister reasons

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All this talk about SOPA has me worried.

Worried about the end of torrents, the end of sweet, sweet copyright infringement (everyone’s doing it, you know), the end of the greatest purveyor of information since the printing press?

No.

There’s something much deeper going on here. Hours upon hours of research and pondering have brought me to my irrefutable conclusion.

Let the RIAA, the MPAA and all the big cable corporations know that I’m on to them. I can smell it like a dog smells bacon strips stuffed in a pillowcase.

If SOPA is passed and signed into law, it will mean anything violating copyright law will be subject for removal. That means the vast amount of material collected in the infinity-sized swimming pool of the internet is going to have to be drained. I’m talking about the music, movies, software and — oh yes — the porn.

That’s what it all comes down to. The bigwigs want all the internet’s porn for themselves. You’d think there was enough to go around. Ninety-nine percent of the people owning 99 percent of the porn seems only fair. But this is corporate greed at its fattest.

They’ve been scheming for years, trying to take all the porn out of the hands of honest, hard-working Americans.

I can see them in the boardroom now, those plump rats, greasing their palms and eying terabyte upon terabyte of external hard drives sitting in the corner, where they’ll store their hard-won, hardcore slamfest videos and hoard them like gold coins.

They seek, secretly, to send this great country into another recession: a sexual one. With no porn to fall back on at the end of the day, the common man will have nothing left to do but rot in his jobless, pornless hovel. The combination of economic depravity and sexual frustration will drive the citizens of this country into a hole so deep and dark they’ll need to string a rope across the middle just to get their bearings and keep their balance.

Imagine the mass chaos. The Occupy Movement would have to refocus its voice or risk dissipation because everyone would be too antsy to protest. Order would break down. Eventually, maybe, the ones at the top would part with a little bit of the stash, for a hefty price. And then everyone would come to find out that they aren’t businesspeople at all — they’re war profiteers.

All of this is very serious and very real. A thrust in the wrong direction in Congress or a favorable committee recommendation of the bill could lead to its passage and a subsequent climactic battle among the populace. Everyone should let their Congressperson know they vehemently oppose SOPA.

Or everyone could, you know, just get laid.