HOROSCOPES: April 18 – April 24
In addition to his duties as Student Life Editor, Andrew Dooley wore a helmet until he was three years old. He’s completely over it, too.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 – We can’t blame the subspecies that are Nashville fans for cheering on Shea Weber’s goonsquad decision to play shot put with Henrik Zetterberg’s head last week. Predator’s fans like to wear their hockey jerseys untucked so they can hide their fully-developed tails. If you listen closely, you can even hear them squeal with delight and click their claws together at the whole spectacle. The Scopes Monkey Trial was held in Tennessee in 1925, and Tennesseeans are still strongly opposed to evolution being taught in their state. I guess sometimes the truth hits a little too close to home.
Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 – You picked Squirtle? You beautiful genius.
Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20 – “We Bought a Zoo” movie night is an awful lot different than “We Brought a Copy of ‘Zoo’” movie night. It’s just not the same. Neigh.
Aries: March 21 – April 20 – I have completely given up on buying coffee for people in our office. A reporter had me ask for a “dry cappuccino” at Einsteins’ today, and the barista stared at me with Courtney Love-esque dead eyes. From now on, you can have coffee or water. I am slowly giving up on humanity.
Taurus: April 21 – May 20 – Look Taurus, if you’re going to keep up this whole “pretending to be a vegetarian while you date the boy with mild stubble and a nautical star tattoo” thing going, you’re going to need to work more veggies into the bedroom. Radishes? Eggplants? Somewhere, the Jolly Green Giant is blushing.
Gemini: May 21 – June 21 – Trying to dress like a grownup is impossible for grown men with thighs like tree trunks and the calves and ankles of Polly Pocket. I now fully understand why Scots gave up on pants and went for the kilt. I am going to start airing myself out on casual Fridays. Plaid is stylish right now, yeah?
Cancer: June 22 – July 22 – The only ring LeBron James will ever possess is slowly forming on the top of his head. His hairline is receding faster than Greece’s economy. He’s becoming the Incredible Hulk version of Rob Corddry.
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22 – Dole has recalled bagged salads in Michigan and 14 other states because of a Salmonella risk. While this is upsetting news to parents and lots of other people, some desperate dieters are in for an unexpected little boost.
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 – Virgo, I know I haven’t been paying enough attention to you lately, but that’s because there is a documentary about French pastry chefs on Netflix instant, and I will never be able to stop watching it. Wait, hold on, OH NO JACQUES! DON’T DROP THAT SUGAR SCULPTURE! OH MY GOD!
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 – Boiled chicken or microwaved steak; what’s the funnier prank to pull on a first date?
Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 – North Korea attempted to launch a missile Thursday night, though it failed after initial thrusting and succumbed to its flaccid trajectory. In fairness, I can empathize; the rocket had been seen enjoying happy hour at The Bird much of Thursday afternoon.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 – After standing behind a laptop for four or five songs at a pretty excellent loft party, my roommate Frank confided in me that he “totally thought about giving up on physical therapy and just being a DJ for the rest of my life.” I can’t even hate on that. Watching a guy uncontrollably make out with a stuffed Charlie Brown doll to Sak Noel’s “Loca People” in the middle of a room full of dancing people is a wildly rewarding experience.
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