Little Ceasars Hot-N-Ready pizza is $5. That’s $5 everywhere. Everywhere except Mount Pleasant.
Our hometown franchise charges us poor, hungry college kids $5.99 for a Hot-N-Ready pizza. For those who did as poorly in MTH 110 as I did, that’s a penny away from $6. Are you outraged yet? I am.
And if these corporate money-lovers weren’t shameful enough, just turn to page five of the previous edition of Central Michigan Life. There it is glaring at you, in an advertisement, no less. “Hot-N-Ready Large Pizza, $5.99.”
You have got to give a hand to our local pizza establishment; it takes quite some courage to advertise that you’re selling more expensive pizza than your peers. The last time I looked at the advertisement was when I was half-asleep, and instead of “Hot-N-Ready Large Pizza, $5.99,” I just read “Spend an extra dollar for our pizza here!”
It really didn’t change the ad that much.
Perhaps outrage is not the appropriate expression. I’m sure we’re paying that extra dollar for some reason. Perhaps the pizza uses better, fresher ingredients? Perhaps the pizza is baked instead of microwaved? Maybe they apply extra pepperoni? Maybe the crust is made from imported Italian bread?
Maybe this specific branch has been endorsed by retired Gen. Colin Powell, because we as a community enjoy spending money on him.
Personally, I’m hoping that perhaps Mount Pleasant’s Little Caesars has taken affection for Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, and maybe when I’m eating my $6 Hot-N-Ready pizza, I’ll find a golden ticket at the bottom of the box.
Then, I’ll have the golden opportunity to visit the Little Caesars Pizza Factory and ride a barrel down a giant waterfall of tomato sauce while it rains bacon bits.
Is it a dream of mine to ride down a waterfall of tomato sauce? No, tomato sauce stains, but at least I’ll be spending an extra dollar on something.
As the responsible college student that I am, who has all of his priorities in the right place, I feel it would be egregiously immoral for any of us to ignore the plight of Mount Pleasant by our local Little Caesars.
There are a lot of things I am apathetic about: my future career, my current classes, climate change, American politics, the Board of Trustees and trans fats.
But, I’ll be complaining about spending an extra dollar on pizza until I reach my grave.
Or until I look at every other pizza menu in town. It’s still cheaper than every other pizza in town.