1. You wear your retainer to bed.
After rolling out of bed, you step into the bathroom and reach into your mouth to peel off that plastic shield of slime and then place it in its crusty container. Your breath smells awful because of it, but who cares? The only thing you’re sleeping with is your body pillow.
2. You call your Snuggie your boyfriend.
The way it wraps your body and makes you feel all warm inside. Yeah, that’s a real man for you. A Snuggie provides all the love and support you need. And they come in so many different colors and patterns. No need to settle.
3. Tweeting celebrities is a common occurrence.
Oh, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, please tweet me back. I love your abs! I mean you! If you can’t tweet your real boyfriend, you might as well tweet your fantasy one.
4. You listen to the Hanson brothers.
They might look like girls, but damn can they sing. “MmmBop” plays in every car ride from home to the 7-11 down the street. It’s your JAM. And it’s making you still single.
5. You fall asleep on movie dates or first dates.
When the cool sensation of drool wakes you up during a movie, you’re instantly reminded why the second date just isn’t going to happen. Unless he’s into that sort of thing.
6. Burnt food is done food.
Who needs the popcorn button when three minutes is always more than enough to mess up cooking a bag of popcorn? This also consistently happens every time you try to be all cute and bake cookies for the person you like. Therefore, you’re left eating burnt cookies alone in a corner crying.
7. You don’t go on dates on Monday nights.
“The Bachelor” is on. You must see who gets the final rose. Forget real dates when you can watch girls throw themselves at guys and not leave your couch while doing so.
8. You say weird things to people you hardly know.
“So I had this dream about you last night” is never a good segue into anything with someone you just met. Even if the dream was really, super funny. Dreaming about other people and then telling them is weird. Just don’t do it unless that person is your best friend and you had sex. That’s just funny.