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TONY VS. FOOD: ‘I think I had a contraction’

Metro Editor Tony Wittkowski defeats the “Big Juan” burrito challenge on monday afternoon at La Señorita mexican restaurant on Mission Street. (Arin Bisaro)

Metro Editor Tony Wittkowski defeats the “Big Juan” burrito challenge on Monday afternoon at La Señorita mexican restaurant on Mission Street. (Arin Bisaro/Staff Photographer)

It was gut-wrenching.

That was the thought that escaped me as I attempted to swallow the last few bites of La Senorita’s 4-pound burrito.

The first half of the chicken and bean burrito stuffed with everything imaginable went along smoothly enough. Equipped with a 13-inch shell that could double as a shower cap for Mr. Clean, I finished the massive burrito in 25 minutes.

I didn’t know there wasn’t a time limit.

If I had one complaint, it would be the cheese. It seemed like every bite (or spoonful, because it was a wet burrito) was dripping with cheese that would clog both my arteries and my senses.

The results afterward were not pretty. Walking back required some assistance from a laughing coworker who “came along for the ride.”

I have much more respect for all mothers, because now that I know what it feels like to walk around eight months pregnant. On my way back from the restaurant, I had at least three contractions.

In retrospect, humans are not meant to consume this much food.

Through all the cheese, flour tortilla, meat, bean paste, sauce and tomato I learned not to order a soda with the food.

Water works just as well, if not better.

In all honesty, when they began to make the burrito, I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until I saw the final layer piled on top and doused with enough sauce to make Charlie Sheen blink twice.

Like the Lions, I plan on staying just over the .500 mark for the remainder of my challenges in the hopes of attaining mediocrity.

It’s comforting that I have managed to complete the past two challenges. I’m looking forward to the next challenge, whatever it might be.

3 Comments

  1. Can someone explain to me CM-Life’s infatuation with 1 and 2 sentence paragraphs? This article isn’t even 300 words, yet has 13 separate “paragraphs”. This isn’t exclusive just to this article, it’s everything published here. How about we learn that you can format an article without hitting the “ENTER” key after every sentence.

  2. Jack, instead of hiding behind a computer screen in anger of this article’s sentence structure, why don’t you be a gentleman and come into the cm-life office, Moore 4th floor room 436, and teach the staff the art of making full sentences that meet your standards. Just a thought.

  3. Paul Wittkowski says:

    Why would Mr. Clean need a shower cap?

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