Saying goodbye to abuse


In the aftermath of the Ray Rice video that recently went viral, two important questions seem to linger. Who should be fired? Why did Rice’s fiancé decide to stay with him and later become his wife?

Comments left on the video shortly after TMZ released it showcase the misunderstanding some people tend to have about victims of domestic abuse and their reasons for staying with an abuser. Just a few of them read as follows:

“She is the stupid one she married him”

“She ended up marrying the prick. No sympathy from me at all.”

“So why did they go home together?”

It takes an average of seven to nine tries before a victim is able to leave an abusive partner for good, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 

Rather than victim-blaming Janay Rice and asking why she stayed with her abuser, it may be more productive to focus on the real issue of violence against women.

Here are a few warning signs of an abusive relationship or situation, listed by the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs

Controlling every penny spent in the household

Controlling who you see, what you do or where you go

Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away

Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets

These are just some of the red flags that can come up in a potentially abusive relationship. Luckily, Central Michigan University does offer a number of resources for those affected by domestic or other abuse. The following offices and programs are available on campus to victims:

Office of Student Affairs

CMU Counseling Center      

CMU Police     

Residence Life

Student Life      

Office of Civil Rights and Institutional Equity     

Student Ombuds      

Code of Student Rights

Sexual Aggression Peer Advocates is another volunteer group on campus dedicated to educating others about domestic and other types of violence as well as providing a safe place for victims to share their stories. SAPA has a 24-hour crisis hotline that can be reached at (989) 774-2255.

Another important thing to remember is that you, as a friend, will never be able to force someone to leave an abusive relationship. No amount of reasoning, arguing or persuasion will end that relationship because, at the end of the day, it isn’t your relationship to end. It’s the victim’s.

If that doesn’t seem good enough, if you think you should have the power to do more, don’t worry. You’re already doing your part simply by being there for your friend.

By letting victims know you are not going to leave their side, you are providing one of the most important types of help: a support system.

Earlier, you read that it takes victims an average of seven to nine tries before a victim can leave an abuser for good. How can that possibly be, you ask? Well, lack of support outside the relationship is just one of many factors that can stop a victim from leaving even when she makes up her mind to do so.

Lack of money, transportation, connections or family members also hinders a victim’s chance of escape.

Still don’t believe me? If not, I encourage you to visit Twitter and follow the hashtag #WhyIStayed to see countless victims reveal the real reasons for staying in an abusive relationship. 

Trust me, you won’t find “stupidity” listed among them.

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