Television brings viewers all types of programming to attract more and more people to the loyal following of the couch potato. Some of it is good, but most of it is just plain repulsive. In order to relieve the common viewer from absentmindedly surfing through tired reruns of the Jeffersons and the new Family Feud, I have taken the liberty of assembling a list of the top ten intelligent programs on television.
10. T.V. Funhouse (Comedy Central, Wednesdays @ 10:30 PM): Taking on the air of Mr. Dressup meets Lamb Chops, this show has the inevitable Comedy Central twist. The animal puppets, affectionately known as the Anipals, are anything but affectionate toward the host, frequently blowing off his theme days for trips to places like Rio and Atlantic City. Meanwhile, the host is left behind with the show to run the theme by himself.
Cartoons also appear between the sketches throughout the show. While these cartoons are not exactly the funniest ever, there are a few that get the laughter going.
T.V. Funhouse is interesting to watch, but it appears at number ten for the reason that some of what happens on the show is just plain stupid. However, it is easy to stomach the dumb cartoons to see the ridiculous antics of the Anipals.
9. Johnny Bravo (Cartoon Network): Johnny Bravo is what might be called a stereotypical ego-freak. He is obsessed with his appearance, which involves blonde Vanilla Ice-like hair, perpetual sunglasses, a black t-shirt and blue jeans with a monstrously muscular build. However, his cool guy image gets him nowhere with the women, due to the fact that he is an incredible jerk and stupid as well.
The show follows him on his daily adventures into the world around him. These adventures usually have him meeting a beautiful woman with whom he inevitably ruins his chances of dating in some hilarious way or another.
8. The X-Files (Fox, Sundays @ 9 PM): The show features Gillian Anderson and Robert Patrick as two FBI agents who are assigned to investigations into the paranormal. Their adventures lead them to discover some interesting things that one would think could never exist in this world.
However, the fact that David Duchovny was replaced by Robert Patrick totally assassinated this show. It was better when Scully was playing devil’s advocate to Mulder’s wild theories. But, ever since Mulder was taken away by aliens, the show hasn’t been the same.
7. The Dukes of Hazzard (TNN, random days @ 9 AM, 2 PM and 2 AM): The Dukes are still trying to foil Boss Hogg’s plans, and Boss Hogg is still trying to put them in jail for crimes they didn’t commit. Depending on the day, it could be either Bo and Luke or Coy and Vance at the wheel of that ever famous General Lee. Although the show runs for an hour, it’s an hour well spent.
6. Battlebots (Comedy Central, Tuesdays @ 10 PM): The concept for Battlebots is simple. People build killer robots, not knowing what everyone else’s killer robots are going to look like, or what weaponry they will brandish. Divided into lightweight, middleweight, heavyweight, and super heavyweight, the remote-controlled bots are placed into an arena of death surrounded by glass walls and a spike strip. Also posing hazards for the bots in the floor hiding from the operators are spikes, circular saws, and platforms that raise and lower known as hellraisers. There is also a hammer in one part of the arena to inflict damage on anything that goes under it.
The battles have a three-minute time limit for the two competitors to go at each other. The object is to either disable the other robot so that it can no longer function, or score the most points during your attempt to disable the other robot with your weapon, or the bot itself.
5. The Acme Hour (Cartoon Network): Many of the true classics of animation appear on this show, including Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and the infamous Wiley Coyote. As the title indicates, a full hour of these zany cartoons are featured, which is sure to satisfy any cartoon appetite.
4. The Daily Show (Comedy Central, Week nights @ 11 PM): The Daily Show presents hard core news with a twist, of course, and features Jon Stewart as the anchor. While large headlines do make the show, it is usually smaller, seemingly less important stories that make it to the airwaves of the program, such as where the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree came from, and people who believe just a little too firmly in the existence of UFOs. Their reporters also have their own unique twists to add to the stories to make this one of the best news programs ever.
3. The Man Show (Comedy Central, Sundays @ 10 PM): The Man Show features Adam Corolla and Jimmy Kimmel drinking beer, and showing hilarious clips featuring such things as a visit to Snoop Dogg’s house, a visit to the Playboy mansion, and a strip basketball game with the only set of twins among the juggy dancers.
While it may be stereotyping men, this show is still hilarious, and is worth every last second of the half hour that it airs. It’s also worth it to watch the girls jumping on trampolines at the end.
2. The Simpsons (CBC and Fox, Sundays @ 8 PM, plus Tons O’ Reruns): America’s greatest family satire is on three times a day on both the Fox stations, and the Canadian channel. Nothing more needs to be said about this show, because if you don’t know about the Simpsons, you’d better go back to whatever planet you’ve been living on for the past few years.
1. South Park (Comedy Central, Wednesdays @ 10 PM): Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny have all found a spot in the number one slot because of the simple fact that this show is the best in existence.
The new season is off to sort of a shaky start, and for right now the fourth grade years have been replaced with the Wild Animal Orgy. However, the cartoon is still hilarious even though it is cheaply done in a computer animation program. This show should be watched no matter what.
WWF Wrestling gets an honorable mention for being one hell of a soap opera. However, since almost everyone has an opinion concerning wrestling, it did not make the top ten.
Hopefully, this list has been helpful in the search for intelligent television programming. These shows are some of the best out there, and should all have Academy Awards if they don’t already. So, may your days of channel surfing be at an end, and these shows find a place in your television schedule.

Winter has beset the land, and the frigidness of Jack Frost is in the air. With the windchill and the snow being the way that they are, it would seem unlikely that anyone would want to stop and talk for more than a few minutes in this weather.
However, Marcy Abner, Brighton senior and soccer player, is one brave soul who is willing to face the inclement weather for the sake of letting us get to know her a little better.
Abner came to Central to study a major in dietetics with a minor in excercise science. She started her interest in this area at the Univeristy of Southern Alabama.
“I was pursuing a physician’s assisstant degree at the University of Southern Alabama, and I took a nutrition class there, and found it interesting.”
However, her involvement in the women’s varsity soccer team and her major in dietetics are not the only things that she enjoys about CMU.
“I like it here [at Central],” said Abner. “I think the education here is very structured to teach us to use what we have learned on the job in real life. Also, the size is good, because you can interact with your professors, and you can walk around campus and see people that you know.”
Abner also enjoyed her sports nutrition class the most out of all those that will make up her eventual college transcript.
“It’s interesting to learn more about how deficiencies of nutrients can affect your performance,” Abner said.
However, Central is not all fun and games for Abner, as she disliked her English 201 class.
“I’m more of a science person, and writing papers is not exactly the joy of my life,” Abner said.
Another part of her life that is not exactly a joy is Preacher Rick, who lovingly screams his message to high heaven and anyone who will listen.
“I think that his intentions are good,” said Abner. “But, I think that a lot of people are turned off by his in-the-face approach.”
When she is not on campus trying to keep warm in sub-zero wind chills or thinking about where the path of good intentions usually leads, she might be found at her Lexington Ridge apartment, watching college football, her favorite television sport.
“It’s quiet most of the time,” Abner said. “I share my apartment with one other person, and it’s nice to have my own privacy and space.”
When she’s not watching football, she might be caught watching Jag, another of her favorite television programs.
“My roommate got me hooked on it,” said Abner. “The military is interesting, and I find it to be entertaining.”
However, if she were to appear on television, it might be as one of her favorite cartoon characters, the Care Bears.
“They want the best for people; they really seem to enjoy life, and I really enjoy life,” said Abner.
When Abner is not at her apartment cheering on MSU, her favorite college team, or thinking about how to solve world hunger, one might find her with her friends.
“We might go out to dinner, rent some movies, and play some board games,” said Abner.
But, the plot thickens when one million tax-free dollars are thrown into the mix.
“I would travel to Europe,” said Abner. “I’ve never been there, and I know nothing about it except for what I’ve learned from history classes. I might go to visit Germany because most of my family is German, or to Israel because of my faith.”
While she pores over travel brochures waiting to hit the lottery, Abner might be listening to what she describes as the kind of music that you can listen to and understand the words, like soft rock or classic rock. Among her favorites in today’s music are bands like Vertical Horizon and Creed.
Abner feels that she has enjoyed her four years as a college student, rating it as a pleasurable experience.
“The first couple of years were a great opportunity for me to grow as an individual,” said Abner. “It’s been an incredible experience for me as an athlete as well, to travel across the country for free just to play sports.”
With the wind blowing and the snow falling, the brave and chilled Marcy Abner falls back into the droves of CMU students trying to stay warm when there is none to be had.
Perhaps, there is a warmth after all that lurks in every one of us, even on the coldest winter day.

Holiday spirit and snow is in the air. Thanksgiving has come and gone, and we are faced with yet another expensive holiday in less than a month’s time.
Rather than sitting down and relaxing after a long day at work, one must continue their torture at America’s places of commerce. They herd their groups of snot-nosed screaming banshees to the local mall, where not only is holiday spirit in the air, but also an overheated stuffiness and a strange musk that compels the shopper to buy as much as possible. This magic musk seems to cause severe headaches, drowsiness, and irritability if you walk out without a shopping bag in your hand.
To avoid hearing approximately nine million versions of “Little Drummer Boy” this holiday season, I have taken the liberty of making you a shopping guide that is sure to make life at the mall easier.
Before you go out into the fray, a few things should be remembered. First of all, all traffic laws become null and void in a crowded parking lot of any mall in America.
Second, proper battle gear is essential. While a full set of football pads is too cumbersome, the following list of essentials will help you get more than three feet in any store: steel-toed boots, brass elbows, a can of Mace, a wallet chain, a death metal shirt such as Morbid Angel or Cannibal Corpse, and if you can manage, a mustard gas bomb in case things get ugly. Don’t forget your gas mask, either.
Third, and most importantly, mall population demographics. All you need to know about this is that the crowd is 99% mothers and 1% people like you. Watch your back at all times.
Now that you’re ready for trench warfare, a.k.a. shopping, the question of gifts is on your mind. It could take hours to find the perfect gift. Like any good soldier, er, customer, you want to spend as little time on this as possible so that you can go back to your 3DO games. Not to worry, because the following list will be almost indispensable to you in finding the perfect gift.
Grandpa: The man who has everything and wants nothing. Yet you have to give him a gift or endure the torture of a lecture from Mom. So, since he’s been having such gastrointestinal distress lately, it’s off to the novelty store for a whoopee cushion. That way he can pretend like he’s farting in the bathroom when he sits on the toilet and nothing happens.
Grandma: Another person who has it all. The solution is at your local party store, or perhaps tobacco dealer. Two words, one answer: Mini-Thins. Grandma is always complaining about how tired she is all the time. With these babies, now she’ll get lots of stuff done, and not sleep until 3 p.m. every day.
Uncle Ralph, the hunter: You know the type, lifetime subscription to the Remington catalog and Soldier of Fortune magazine; the one who has more guns in his den than the Michigan Militia. The only thing to get him is something that he would never expect: A copy of John Lennon’s “Imagine.” Wonder what he’s gonna do with it.
Aunt Martha, the neat freak: Once again, it could be anyone. However, it seems that the Aunt Marthas and Uncle Ralphs of the world usually end up related in some way, whether by legal methods or blood. At any rate, you should get her something that not only complements her personality, but contrasts it as well. A gun-cleaning kit should suffice very nicely.
Girlfriend: The one who you absolutely under no circumstances know what to get for Christmas, and they only hint at what they want. We as men take suggestions, not hints. They should suggest what would make a good present, and we’ll get it for them. Anyway, my suggestion is a three-part gift that will last you not only for Christmas, but her birthday and your anniversary as well. The answer is: a vacuum cleaner. You get her the bags for her birthday, and all the attachments for your anniversary. See how nice that works, and you wrapped up three occasions into one.
Mom: They work just like girlfriends, they hint, and don’t suggest. But, your mother already has a vacuum cleaner, so what now? Well, since she’s trying to lose weight, go to a mirror shop and get her a concave mirror, or one that makes you look skinnier in layman’s terms. At any rate, it should stop the complaining about how she looks in the mirror. To complement that, set her scale down ten pounds. Trust me, she’ll thank you.
Dad: He never says a word about what he wants for Christmas, or all of it is out of your price range. Or is it? He wants a chainsaw for Christmas, go to Toys R Us. He wants a set of tools for Christmas, go to Toys R’ Us. Whatever he wants, it’s in your price range at Toys R Us.
Now that your shopping is done, you can lay back, relax, and wait anxiously for the surprised looks on the faces you your relatives on Christmas. Just remember that every gift came straight from the heart with a minimum of time expended. After all, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

Scenes of warmth, cheer, and holiday spirit filled the Warriner Auditorium Wednesday when Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” took the stage, filling the air with Christmas cheer.
The mostly filled auditorium audience was packed with adults and their children set to enjoy the performance by Troupe America.
The motley arrangement of actors all worked together in harmony to produce the many different characters that this play required, going through costume changes to take on their different personas.
The play featured Peter Colburn as Ebenezer Scrooge; Jeffery Wolf as Bob Cratchit, Squeezebox, and Fezziwig; Ellen Halstead as Mrs. Cratchit, Flower Lady, and Violet Fezziwig; Marcie Passley as Belle and Martha Cratchit; Michael Hobot as Peter Cratchit, Dick Wilkins, and Schoolboy; Michelle Hakala as Belinda Cratchit and Spirit Past, Frank Thompson as Tiny Tim, Urchin, Schoolboy, and Ignorance; Bill Bland as Spirit Present, Grave Robber, and Schoolmaster; Arnie Roos as Marley and Undertaker, among others who made this play complete.
The stage housed a set of phenomenal proportions, featuring three facade houses, which would later open to show various settings for later scenes in the play, including the Cratchit’s home, and Scrooge’s spooky bedchamber.
The show started off with a party scene and members of the cast were in the audience making phony intorductions of audience members as guests to the party. This proved to be a funny scene involving puns and knee-slapping kind of jokes followed by uproarious laughter from the cast on stage. From there, the play only continued to make its way up to one of the best productions of “A Christmas Carol” ever.
The hilarious scenes continued with the villagers tormenting Scrooge by wishing him a merry Christmas, along with his nephew trying to bring him good cheer. It is to no avail, of course, and Scrooge continues to be his old grumpy self.
However, when Scrooger returned to his bedchamber is where all similarities between this production and all the other ones ended. The first surprise of the night was the Ghost of Jacob Marley. Instead of a regular enterance from stage right of left, his hand bursat through the matress on Scrooge’s bed, and he climbed out wailing and moaning complete with his chain of greed that he forged through his life. The intensity of this scene was unequaled by any other production, and most likely caused som nightmares for the younger members of the audience.
The Spirit Past was a small nymph who sprang lightly around the stage, showing Scrooge what his past Christmases had been like. After she disappeared into the intermission, the second act started off with Scrooge hiding under his bed, and the Spirit Present appearing in a Santa-like suit complete with a booming voice, and a torch staff. This spirit showed the traditional scenes of the Cratchits dining on their turkey, and Scrooge’s nephew’s dinner party. The Spirit Future was represented by a skull-like head that appeared over Scrooge’s bed, and showed him the grave robbers digging up his worldy treasures and selling them at bargain prices.
Overall, the play was one of the best representations of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” in recent memory. The theatrical effects that the play employed heightened the sensation of the spirits as they visited Scrooge on his road to conversion. The play left off with a feel-good atmoshphere that is sure to stick in the hearts and minds of many audience members.