Central Michigan Life » Gary BlackwellLIFE Et cetera Writer

Hot action in the South

Gary BlackwellLIFE Et cetera Writer — Fri, 17 Mar 2000 00:00:00 +0000

The action in the bottom half of the
south bracket in Et cetera’s March Madness 2000 proved to be explosive,
both literally and figuratively! Here’s a recap of the action.

Illegal Fireworks (2) vs. Jalapeno
Fries (15)
An abandoned minefield in Bosnia
For liability reasons, tournament organizers decided
not to sell tickets to this matchup. Safety comes first when you’re
thinking about a crowd potentially containing children and the incontinent.
The Illegal Fireworks started off with a bang, sending
the hot potatoes reeling with a furious attack of M-80′s. The Jalapeno
Fries would not be vanquished that easily, as they retaliated with a
nasty attack of peppers towards the Fireworks.
The Fries held a distinct advantage until the half,
when Fireworks coach Yul Putchereyeout had a crate of Pepto Bismol airlifted
into the minefield for his team.
After the special delivery, the Fireworks dominated
this contest. They ended the game in spectacular fashion, sending out
a flurry of “bang-snaps” towards their opponents. With the Fries in
a state of confusion, Fireworks star Halfstick Dynamite exploded onto
them, sending mashed jalapeno potatoes over the playing field.
Winner: Illegal Fireworks

Dan (7) vs. Precipitation (10)
Toronto SkyDome, Canada

Dan confidently entered the SkyDome
to the sounds of LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out,” seemingly oblivious
to the possible havoc he could be facing.
Dan arrogantly grabbed the arena microphone from
Gloria Gaynor, who had just finished the national anthem. What came
next was a shocking display of total disrespect for his opponent.
“All of you people here today in Toronto have wasted
your hard-earned loonies on these tickets,” Dan proclaimed. “You see,
I watched the Weather Channel earlier, and they said that the sky would
be clear ALL DAY!!! I WIN!!! Mother Nature, kiss my ass!!!”
As Dan began his victory lap around the infield,
silence fell over the crowd when the sky began to turn a strange shade
of green. A jet black cloud appeared over the dome, and a combination
of snow, sleet, hail, and rain began to fall down on the field, specifically
following Dan’s trail.
Dan ran for the dugout at top speed, screaming “Mommy!”
the whole way. He reached safety, but the damage had been done. The
sky cleared up, and the crowd gave Mother Nature a standing ovation
for her efforts.
However, Dan wasn’t finished yet. He darted out onto
the field and grabbed the microphone again. “Now, Mommy! Now!,” he yelled.
At that moment, the SkyDome roof began to close.
The crowd booed heartily as someone pointed to the scoreboard. There
was Dan’s mom, sitting in the control booth in the stadium.
“Hi, honey!,” she cooed. “I’m so proud of you!”
Dan toweled off and began to celebrate again. “No
one can defeat me! I’m Dan the Man!”
What happened next defied the belief of all 45,000
spectators in attendance.
A loud rumble was heard, and the ground began to
tremble. The arena went totally black, and a droning roar filled the
dome. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning streaked through the retracted dome
and stuck Dan right in the center of his skull!
The crowd gasped, then stood and applauded in awe
at the miracle they’d just witnessed.
The celebration was short-lived though, as a referee
was brought out to address the crowd. It seems that since Dan’s opponent
was Precipitation, Mother Nature’s use of a foreign object (Electricity)
called for a reversal of the decision.
Winner: Dan by disqualification

Kool-Aid (3) vs. “Whassup?” (14)
Fancher Elementary School Monkey Bars
“Whassup?” is a greeting. Kool-Aid is a universally
known thirst quencher.
“Whassup?” gets annoying when wanna-be homies say
it over and over again. Kool-Aid is always great, no matter how many
times you have it. “Whassup?” is very formulaic.
It’s always the same. Kool-Aid can be different and distinct in many
ways, from the amount of sugar and Kool-Aid mix you use all the way
to how much Seagrams you put in it.
And to top it all off, those crazy kids from ETC
whole-heartedly endorse Kool-Aid.
Winner: Kool-Aid

Frozen Burritos (6) vs. Superman
Ice Cream (11)
Mount Pleasant Community Center Ice Rink
Superman Ice Cream came out fighting, leaving the
frozen burritos with a torn tortilla early on in the contest. The crowd
was chilled by the Ice Cream’s ferocity, and it seemed like nothing
short of kryptonite would stop them from upsetting the 6th seeded Burritos.
The Burritos called in for reinforcements, though,
and special assistant coach Vinnie “The Microwave” Johnson helped the
team heat up for the second half.
Superman Ice Cream was no match for the red-hot Burritos,
as the dairy product melted under the pressure of the newly nuked Burritos.
The victors dedicated their victory to “The Microwave,”
and named him the new head coach of the Burritos for the tournament.
Original coach Bernie “The Toaster Oven” Wordell, however, swore revenge
on the Burritos upon hearing of his replacement.
Winner: Frozen Burritos

EXPOSED: A clerk working midnights, all your fears are true

Gary BlackwellLIFE Et cetera Writer — Wed, 01 Mar 2000 00:00:00 +0000

It was Saturday night, and the air was thick with anticipation. Guys were putting on their best Tommy Hilfiger bar shirts, and girls were pulling those little black bar pants on with all of their might. I pulled on my polo shirt, tossed on my favorite ball cap, and stood before the mirror to behold the mighty sight that was me. I was the few, the proud, the brave – the midnight convenience store worker.
After rifling through my backpack one last time with a pre-work checklist (antacids, aspirin, CD’s, homework), I made my way to the door. I took one last look at my cozy couch, and headed for my car.
9:40 p.m. Determined to get a head start on
things, I breeze through the door early, hoping to assess the damage
on the battlefield before having to play damage control.
11:08 p.m. The store is finally empty enough
for me to watch my own head spin. I like Sibling’s Weekend so far. The
sibs actually smile at me and acknowledge that I’m human. A small tear
forms in the corner of my eye.
11:15 p.m. I decide to change the nozzle on
the nacho cheese dispenser so I can shut down the cheese pump for the
night. For those who’ve never worked in a convenience store, here’s
a simple mathematic equation: college students at 3 a.m. + nacho cheese
dispenser = really big mess. Therefore, no nachos when I’m working a
graveyard.
11:17 p.m. My finger gets caught on a rather
large hunk of dried cheese product trying to twist off the nozzle. A
piece breaks off, and I end up with what I believe to be the world’s
first ever “cheese splinter” embedded in my index finger. No time like
the present to stop eating convenience store food, kids.
11:22 p.m. With a bandaged finger, I engage
in a simple conversation with an underage customer looking to buy cigarettes.
ME: “Sorry, man, but you’re not 18 ’til March.
I can’t sell these to you.”
CUSTOMER: “You can’t sell me these Marlboro
Lights?”
ME: “Nope. Sorry about that.”
CUSTOMER: (after about 20 seconds of deep
thought) “Well, am I old enough to buy Camel Lights, then?”
11:23 p.m. Watched dejected customer leave
store. I’m seriously considering spearheading Michigan legislature to
place a minimum IQ limit on anyone entering a convenience store after
10 p.m.
11:29 p.m. Pondered my fate in a Marxist society
ruled by monkeys. Heh heh, silly monkeys.
11:34 p.m. Started stocking cooler.
11:45 p.m. Stepped out of cooler to help customer.
11:46 p.m. My nipples finally stop showing
through my shirt.
12:30 a.m. I head to the fountain machine
for my third Sprite refill of the evening. Yes, kids, good-old caffeine
free Sprite. You see, caffeine is the work of the devil when you’re
a graveyard shift worker. Caffeine keeps you awake for three hours after
a shift, when the last thing in the world you want to do is have to
flip through the cable channels on warp speed again trying to find something
other than a Tae-Bo infomercial to watch.
I guess I drink Sprite because water doesn’t have any carbonation, and at 3:30 in the morning, belching at yourself in the cooler is actually pretty entertaining. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
12:57 a.m. Co-worker stops in to visit ‘prices’
me. I’ve got a black market value of $1.39 (non-taxable), and I’m dated
to go stale in 3 days. At least my shelf life is longer than Lou Bega’s.
1:13 a.m. Received much needed support in
the form of a smiling girlfriend. She brings reinforcements – fast food
cheeseburgers. For now, I’m as close to heaven as I can be. Hell, anything
beats that nacho cheese at this point.
1:35 a.m. Why are there four people buying
gas at this time of night?
2:06 a.m. Pondering Britney. They don’t look
all that fake.
2:08 a.m. Held a great conversation with a
customer about why college students forego sleep for extra-curricular
activities and jobs. Too bad we couldn’t find an answer.
2:32 a.m. Number of 32 oz. Sprites downed:
6. Number of hurried trips to the restroom between customers: 13. No
one said this job was easy, folks.
3:07 a.m. I swear to the heavens above that
I just saw Ronald Reagan enter the store. I’m really starting to second-guess
that whole “no caffeine” issue.
3:32 a.m. Why is it that large groups of people
only come to roam through stores for no good reason only seconds after
the floors have been completely mopped?
3:47 a.m. A large man wearing a tech vest
and a ski mask comes into the store and demands all of the money out
of the cash drawer. His hand is in his pocket holding what I’m pretty
sure is something bad, and he rushes towards the snack foods as I open
the register. He cusses at me because there’s no nacho cheese, then
heads back for the money. He reaches over the counter, and I grab his
tech vest and smash his head against the counter. He screams like he
just lost a Grammy to Christina Aguilera before collapsing on the floor
unconscious. A remote control falls out of his pocket, and I laugh as
I sing a refrain of “I am mighty!” Police drag him away, and I’m given
a $10 an hour raise for my bravery. Best of all, Britney Spears is on
the phone, waiting to tell me how proud she is of my bravery.
3:53 a.m. I wake up in a puddle of my own
drool. Newspaper ink is plastered over my cheek from falling asleep
on the Globe. Poor Britney is covered in a small wading pool of my saliva.
Sorry, Brit.
3:59 a.m. To stay awake, I begin to mop the
floors. Again.
4:02 a.m. I pick myself up off the floor and
reconstruct the candy display I just took out. Poor cardboard never
saw it coming.
4:35 a.m. The Sunday papers are here. Life
is good.
5:58 a.m. I’ve actually managed to get some
work done. The floors are spotless, the ice dispensers are full, the
cooler is stocked, and that still damp copy of the Globe is on the desk
in the office drying out.
6:05 a.m. My relief calls in and tells me
that she’ll be about an hour late.
6:06 a.m. I hang up the phone and sob quietly.
I head to the office and consult with Britney. “Why, Britney, why?”
6:07 a.m. Even a picture in a bad tabloid
seems to be mocking me.
6:48 a.m. Finally, I get clocked out and head
for my car. The drive home could be much nicer if my windshield wipers
actually worked. But hey, I made it through the night. Now if only I
could do something about that cheese splinter…

ETC: A must-see live experience that you will never forget

Gary BlackwellLIFE Et cetera Writer — Mon, 28 Feb 2000 00:00:00 +0000

I couldn’t help but feel some skepticism recently as I traveled down I-75 in search of the Knights of Columbus Hall in Toledo, Ohio.
CM LIFE had received a recent tip about a supposed “CMU boy band” that was opening for Jaime Walters. The show was down south, and after a lengthy round of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” with the rest of the staff, I hopped in my car on my merry way to Ohio.
The only information I had about the band was that they were called ETC and that the buzz on the street about them was huge. I almost hoped that this was a joke so I could hop over to Industry and have a frosty beverage.
Fortunately for me, ETC is no joke. These boys are for real.
I met the guys waiting outside the hall about an hour before door time. It seems that no one inside the K of C believed that they were the opening act.
Despite the inconvenience, ETC was very laid back. I learned that the band recently received backing money for studio time from an anonymous benefactor, after word got out about ETC’s 4-song demo tape, “Go! Fire up, Chips!”
In any event, I eventually entered the hall and refreshed myself with a nice tall paper glass of orange drink. I was pretty peeved at the lack of chairs on the area in front of the stage, but if standing up would keep me awake. I was all about it.
I had no idea that the lack of chairs was probably the best preparation that could have been made for the night. The lights went out in the hall, and what happened next defied all characteristics of any K of C hall I’ve ever been in.
Strobe lights shot from every which direction and a thick smoke screen covered the stage. The lights dropped out, and 5 individual spotlights instantly highlighted the charged silhouettes of ETC. The moment was breathtaking.
The opening strains of “I Should’ve Dropped Chemistry” filtered through the hall, and the most amazing pyrotechnics went off, sending the jam-packed hall into a frenzy.
Every member of ETC got their moment to shine throughout the show, and many training bras were thrown to the stage during the course of the band’s 35 minute set.
Ethan was the driving force behind the band on this night, sending the crowd into a hormone-induced frenzy during the band’s first single, “Jump Space.”
Heartthrob Tyrone definitely had his moments, including serenading a young fan with a chorus of “You are My Sunshine” after she handed him a rose.
DJ Knice really got into the groove with a two minute freestyle about G.I. Joe. Knice’s interlude, while lyrically intense, seemed to leave the mostly younger female audience a little confused. Still, everyone gave him a loud ovation because his heart was in the right place.
Chazz got the show rockin’ with his tribute to vegetables, “I Don’t Eat Meat,” and Favre’s moment of glory came during his tear-inducing rendition of “Turquoise Girls.”
The pyrotechnics were incredible for the entire show, leaving me to wonder how the Knights of Columbus hall could afford such spectacular effects.
ETC’s choreography was equally as superb, with the band pulling off dance moves that would make Michael Jackson look like a marionette being handled by a drunken puppet handler.
ETC, however, didn’t stop there. Just as the crowd wound down and headed to the brownie table, the boys returned to the stage and performed a stirring a capella ballad about long, lonely nights surrounded by girls in black bar pants.
I was not envying Jaime Walters at this point of the night. He could have flown into the K of C hall on a jet pack with a real live Pikachu and not gotten the reception that ETC did.
So how did Jaime Walters cope with this situation? With a little help from his friends, of course. A shocked ETC was invited to join the former TV mainstay for an encore performance of his hit song, “How Do You Talk to an Angel?”
Afterwards, the members of ETC thanked Walters, letting him know that it had always been a dream of theirs to perform that song with him live.
I could actually read the emotion in the faces of Favre, Tyrone, Ethan, Chazz, and DJ Knice as they sang along with Walters, tears in their eyes. It was a beautiful moment, and hopefully, the start of a long road of success.

ETC’s debut album full of popolicious fun

Gary BlackwellLIFE Et cetera Writer — Mon, 28 Feb 2000 00:00:00 +0000

ETC “No Punctuation Necessary”

**** out of 5

There comes a time when certain fads get so ridiculously popular that they simply cannot be ignored any longer. Another of those fads has found its way to Mount Pleasant. Ladies and gentlemen, CMU now has its own boy band!!!
In a world full of Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync rip-off artists (are you listening, LFO?), ETC is out to prove to the world that they’re an original and legitimate threat to the pop charts.
Favre, Tyrone, Ethan, Chazz, and DJ Knice are hipper than “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” and they’re not afraid to flex their musical muscle when necessary.
ETC’s debut CD, “No Punctuation Necessary,” is slickly engineered, well written and full of really catchy pop hooks. Imagine a stripped down Blink 182 record with 5 young male heartthrob voices, and you’ve got the basic idea of the sound here.
However, if you get the impression that ETC is nothing but straight-ahead bubble gum pop, think again. The band sparsely uses some blistering guitar work as well as a few german industrial-like dance beats to put some meat on this plate.
Every track is blissfully short, as all good pop songs should be. ETC believes in the “sweet and to the point” school of songwriting, with the average song length at just under three minutes.
The band’s first single, “Jump Space,” plays like a tribute to Timbaland as much as it is a boy band single. Despite the rhythmic similarities, Ethan’s amazing range couples with the off-time rests and rapid beat patterns to create a sound that is all ETC.
The rest of the band kicks in with amazing harmonies on a soaring chorus which could redefine the musical concept of the “Wall of Sound.”
Another possible single is the ultra-heavy, “I Don’t Eat Meat,” Chazz’s arena rock anthem for vegetarianism.
Of course, this is a boy band, so there has to be an obligatory sad love song. “Turquoise Girls,” is a four minute ballad surrounding a band member’s recently failed romance with a psychology major. Favre’s solemn crooning is a reminder to us all that we should all find time in the day to eat our vegetables, do our homework, and tell our loved ones that we care about them.
As a bonus to patient listeners, “No Punctuation Necessary” features an a capella hidden track, “Black Bar Pant Blues.” ETC’s vocal capabilities really shine on this track, closing out the CD in an amazingly proper manner.
“No Punctuation Necessary” is a surprisingly pleasant trip into contemporary pop. Boy bands of the future could take a cue from ETC, spending less time posing for a camera and more time writing well-structured songs.

Knickelshot an old school hard-working band

Gary BlackwellLIFE Et cetera Writer — Fri, 25 Feb 2000 00:00:00 +0000

The name may have changed, but the songs remain the same.
That’s the story of Knickelshot, according to guitarist Paul Dyer, Mount Pleasant sophomore. Tonight, the band plays Rubbles, 112 W. Michigan, and Dyer hopes to show that the band hasn’t changed a thing about its sound.
“The name change is really nothing too dramatic,” Dyer said in an interview Wednesday. “The music makes the name, the name doesn’t make the music.”
Knickelshot is a “groove oriented hard rock band”, according to Dyer. The band’s influences include Incubus, Helmet, and the Deftones. Rather than mimic someone else’s sound, Dyer said the band mixes influences together to get an original sound.
Dyer has been in Knickelshot for 4 years, although the current line-up of the band has been together for only 7 months. The band also includes Josh Rellinger on bass, Jeff Hafer on drums, and dual vocalists Joe Hafer and Ben Gallagher, East Grand Rapids junior.
About a month ago, the band decided to change the name spelling from “Nickelshot” in order to “charge things up,” Dyer said. However, the name isn’t the only thing the band has been working on.
In August 1999, Knickelshot began recording new material at SVR Studios in Southfield, Michigan. After a few rounds in and out of the studio, the band completed recording their upcoming CD, “Destiny the Enemy” in December 1999.
Chris King, who worked with Detroit’s King for a Day, helped engineer parts of the CD. However, Dyer is quick to point out that the band did most of the studio work themselves.
“On our first CD, we went into the recording process blindfolded,” Dyer said. “But this time, we knew what we were doing.”
Dyer said Knickelshot intends to self-release “Destiny the Enemy” in mid-April or early May, and the band is planning a CD release party at the Cactus Club.
Although Knickelshot is releasing the CD independently, the band is interested in being picked-up by a record label.
“We take our band very seriously, and we stand up for what we want to do,” Dyer said. “We want to do this for a living.”
It’s not cheap for band members to record, press, and distribute their own CD, however. “The money from our shows goes directly into a band fund,” Dyer said.
“Right now to get the CD pressed, we’re playing as many shows as possible, anywhere we can.”
One of those shows takes place tonight, with the Chinese Professionals as the opening act.
“The Chinese Professionals are friends of ours, and we thought it would be cool to get them to play out with us,” Dyer said.

‘Tigger Movie’ is more than just that, it’s an experience

Gary BlackwellLIFE Et cetera Writer — Mon, 21 Feb 2000 00:00:00 +0000

While sitting in the theater watching “The Tigger Movie,” I couldn’t help but notice the little boy sitting next to me with tears streaming down his face. “Poor Tigger,” he said, saddened that his bouncy hero couldn’t find his family.
This scene was one that I really didn’t expect to see at a movie whose central character normally does nothing but bounce and have “fun, fun, fun, fun, fun.” However, it was one that was repeated throughout the hour-long journey that is “The Tigger Movie.”
Unfortunately, the movie itself was only part of the theater experience that was “The Tigger Movie.”
As a 22-year-old college student, I should have felt like a moron heading into the theater to see this movie. Instead, I found myself giggling all the way to my seat just like a middle school girl at a Backstreet Boys concert.
Upon reaching my seat, I was treated to a game of ‘head tag’ by a little feller sitting directly behind me. His mother just grabbed him and laughed, rubbing his head and telling him he was a good boy.
A few minutes later, he played another round of tag with my girlfriend, who was sitting directly next to me. Mom reacted a little differently this time, snatching her little one up while profusely apologizing. I get laughed at, she gets a heartfelt apology – just another example of the total lack of respect given to us reviewers.
So, even though my pride was damaged, I was still looking forward to the movie. Finally, one of my longtime personal heroes was getting the spotlight that he has so richly deserved, but been denied, since the inception of the Hundred Acre Woods gang in 1925.
“This is the bestest Disney film ever because my name is in the title,” Tigger said recently when asked about his new film. “It’s a real kick to be back on the gigantical screen. There’s lots more room to move around.”
Tigger uses the extra room well, bouncing all over the screen in hopes of finding the “biggest and most gigantical” family tree around – the Tigger family tree.
When Tigger can’t find proof of his family or his family tree, he decides to rely on the postal service to find his family. And in a shocking turn of events, the letter ends up in the wrong hands. Art imitates life, even in Disney’s perfect little world.
When the rest of the characters catch wind of the letter, they decide to humor Tigger by writing back, posing as his family. Poor Tigger buys into it, even throwing a “Welkum Tiggrs” party (hey, no one said tiggers could spell) for his family.
In order to keep Tigger’s spirits up, the gang decides to attend the party. A costume-making song is performed, and the Hundred Acre Woods gang is transformed into a family of tiggers.
Seeing Pooh and the crew all costumed as Tiggers was worth the price of admission alone, in this reviewer’s not-really-all-that-humble opinion. This scene blew the roof off the cuteness scale.
The adorable (and very rare) Roo-Tigger accidentally loses his costume, and a very upset Tigger storms out of his own party, saying “T.T.F.E. – Ta ta forever” as he sets out in an exciting search for the Tigger family tree.
The climax, of course, is a formulaic Disney ending, although that is much appreciated and necessary after the extreme amount of sadness in the story.
Roo is actually the high point of the movie, using his cuteness and love for Tigger to elevate himself almost out of his supporting role and into the spotlight. Roo deserves recognition for the incredible emotion that he brings to the movie, wishing Tigger could be his big brother.
“The Tigger Movie” even features some exciting stunt work, as Tigger attempts to teach little Roo the world-famous Tigger family “whoop-de-dooper, loop-de-looper, alli-ooper” bounce. I discovered that Tigger does all of his own stunt-bounces in the movie.
“Of course I do all my own bounces,” Tigger said. “Where ya gonna find another Tigger?”
“The Tigger Movie” did show a very down side of Disney, as much of the movie revolves around the sadness of Roo and Tigger at alternate times. Many tears are shed between the two, which really put a damper on the mood at times.
Still, the movie manages to keep from being too melodramatic in order to teach a lesson about friendship, as well as offer some cool entertainment.
The sight gags involving the constant destruction of Eeyore’s house are priceless. Tigger’s vocabulary problems supply more than a handful of laughs for parents (beginning his letter to his family, “Greetings and salivation”), and watching Roo attempt the “whoop-de-dooper bounce” was too cute for words.
At only a little over an hour, “The Tigger Movie” could have used more material. But to look at the bright side, it’s a perfectly cute, innocent, and harmless date movie. Plus, the extra time gives everyone a chance to have some “bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, fun” in the snow with their friends. Best of all, while some may leave the theater drying their eyes, no one leaves saying, “Poor Tigger.”