2008 Woodie Awards
Technology is magic
By: Paul Isakson
Issue date: 10/17/07 Section: Lifeline
- Page 1 of 1
It was Madonna who said we live in a "material world."
Actually, it was Karl Marx. Madonna stole all her lyrics from Germanic philosophers (she stole "Like a Virgin" from Hegel).
Anyway, Marx/Madonna was right: The only things that exist are material. There is no plane of existence other than the one we can sense right now. Right now you are sensing either an award-winning student-run newspaper or Web site. Either way, you can only be sure of their physical existence.
We can't assume they have minds. We can't assume people have minds, either. Minds derive from the illusion of choice, you know.
Which brings me to my point: TECHNOLOGY is awesome.
I love video games. I can't afford them, but I love them. I'm really good at old video games because I don't have any new ones.
Which brings me to my column: TECHNOLOGY. (I write it in all-caps because of just how important it is.)
TECHNOLOGY is everywhere! Look around! Those clothes you're wearing would have been impossible to manufacture 200 years ago! And wearing them would be inconceivable, since they didn't wear clothes back then. Everyone was naked in 1807.
We live in an age of convergence, which is just a fancy way of saying "new ways to scare old people."
Everything is coming together: Cell phones can check your e-mail, computers can play your music, oscillating fans can play videos and you can watch pornography on everything!
I wanted to find out all I could about TECHNOLOGY, so I talked to an engineery-looking guy at a party and made him tell me all about new, exciting upcoming TECHNOLOGY.
He looked really uncomfortable, but he told me what I wanted to hear so I "would leave him alone."
This is what the future holds:
You know how cell phones also function as MP3 players, video players, Internet things and video game things? They're also going to function as electric shavers. CONVERGENCE!
All clocks will be digital, but they'll be metric. And you can check your e-mail on them. Again, CONVERGENCE!
You know how all the cool TECHNOLOGY starts with a lowercase "i," such as the iPhone, iMac or iClaudius? In the future, "k" will replace "i."
The common cold still will be around in the future, only all the symptoms will be defeated with TECHNOLOGY.
For example, Sinus Suckers will make stuffy noses stuffy no more. They're working on a better name than "Sinus Suckers."
You know how puppies and kittens are wonderful, but they grow up to be gross, old, and boring? TECHNOLOGY will ensure that they stay puppies forever! And they don't eat or defecate, either!
All cash will be replaced with credit cards. Since fat wallets are a sign of status, wealthy individuals will start carrying around stacks of credit cards.
I'm looking forward to the onslaught of new TECHNOLOGY that is yet to emerge. Just think of all the new ways we can talk to one another without having anything to say!
Madonna and Marx would be proud.
lifeline@cm-life.com
Actually, it was Karl Marx. Madonna stole all her lyrics from Germanic philosophers (she stole "Like a Virgin" from Hegel).
Anyway, Marx/Madonna was right: The only things that exist are material. There is no plane of existence other than the one we can sense right now. Right now you are sensing either an award-winning student-run newspaper or Web site. Either way, you can only be sure of their physical existence.
We can't assume they have minds. We can't assume people have minds, either. Minds derive from the illusion of choice, you know.
Which brings me to my point: TECHNOLOGY is awesome.
I love video games. I can't afford them, but I love them. I'm really good at old video games because I don't have any new ones.
Which brings me to my column: TECHNOLOGY. (I write it in all-caps because of just how important it is.)
TECHNOLOGY is everywhere! Look around! Those clothes you're wearing would have been impossible to manufacture 200 years ago! And wearing them would be inconceivable, since they didn't wear clothes back then. Everyone was naked in 1807.
We live in an age of convergence, which is just a fancy way of saying "new ways to scare old people."
Everything is coming together: Cell phones can check your e-mail, computers can play your music, oscillating fans can play videos and you can watch pornography on everything!
I wanted to find out all I could about TECHNOLOGY, so I talked to an engineery-looking guy at a party and made him tell me all about new, exciting upcoming TECHNOLOGY.
He looked really uncomfortable, but he told me what I wanted to hear so I "would leave him alone."
This is what the future holds:
You know how cell phones also function as MP3 players, video players, Internet things and video game things? They're also going to function as electric shavers. CONVERGENCE!
All clocks will be digital, but they'll be metric. And you can check your e-mail on them. Again, CONVERGENCE!
You know how all the cool TECHNOLOGY starts with a lowercase "i," such as the iPhone, iMac or iClaudius? In the future, "k" will replace "i."
The common cold still will be around in the future, only all the symptoms will be defeated with TECHNOLOGY.
For example, Sinus Suckers will make stuffy noses stuffy no more. They're working on a better name than "Sinus Suckers."
You know how puppies and kittens are wonderful, but they grow up to be gross, old, and boring? TECHNOLOGY will ensure that they stay puppies forever! And they don't eat or defecate, either!
All cash will be replaced with credit cards. Since fat wallets are a sign of status, wealthy individuals will start carrying around stacks of credit cards.
I'm looking forward to the onslaught of new TECHNOLOGY that is yet to emerge. Just think of all the new ways we can talk to one another without having anything to say!
Madonna and Marx would be proud.
lifeline@cm-life.com
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