2008 Woodie Awards
Halloween: spook-tacular or stupid-tacular?
By: Paul Isakson
Issue date: 10/31/07 Section: Lifeline
- Page 1 of 1
Do you feel like you're getting too old and trendy for Halloween?
Do you try to just slip by, wearing the same thing you wore the past two years? Are you tired of that cheap makeup that makes your face yellow the next day because it's filled with all kinds of crazy chemicals?
Are you desensitized to movies that are only scary because they vary between being really quiet and really loud?
Are Ouija boards making you bored? Does Halloween make you want to scream (you know, with apathy)?
If you answer is 'yes' to all these questions then there's something wrong with you; Halloween is awesome.
As a holiday, Halloween has three major selling points: free candy, fake blood and no church. All three of these prospects are of great interest to children and myself alike.
And, to answer the question posed in my title, it's spook-tacular.
I would know; there's been a Halloween nearly every year I've been alive. It's a holiday filled with the rich tradition of Protestant boot-quivering and nougat, both of which are the result of witchcraft.
Witchcraft, as you should remember from Arthur Miller's "The Crucible," is what the worried people were worried about before communism was invented.
HALLOWEEN THOUGHTS
My favorite costumes this year are "Sexy Slut" and "Sexy Naked Person."
Advice: Don't wear something that takes more than one sentence to explain. I realized this about halfway through explaining, "Well, my friend here is 'The Plenisher.' You know, like 'The Punisher,' while I'm the 'The Replenisher.' He gives people a packet of paper when they buy a printer, then I supply them with the rest of the paper they'll ever need after they're done with that initial packet of paper. If he doesn't give them any paper, you see, then there's no way I can do my job." It's usually a surprise if somebody was even listening in the first place.
Angel wings will make any costume exponentially cleverer.
"I'm a businessman-angel," "I'm an angelic barber," and "I'm a sexy slut…but I'm also an angel!" are all cheap and resourceful ideas!
If Halloween were to happen, say, three to four times per year, then all kinds of societal problems would be solved (except, say, the obesity rate).
Imagine it!
People would have more things to talk to each other about! Things like, "So, what are you supposed to be?" and "Isn't it hard to breathe in that thing?"
Fake blood works the same way as angel wings. For instance: that prom queen costume you've been working on could easily become "prom queen with blood all over her."
Pumpkins are lame. There are plenty of things out there that make me more scared when I think of them being carved: my face, for instance. I don't like the texture of pumpkin pies, either. Pumpkin bread is okay.
As much of a novelty "Thriller" and "The Monster Mash" are, they really monopolize most Halloween playlists. Solution: The Misfits.
Actually, the solution to most things is The Misfits.
lifeline@cm-life.com
Do you try to just slip by, wearing the same thing you wore the past two years? Are you tired of that cheap makeup that makes your face yellow the next day because it's filled with all kinds of crazy chemicals?
Are you desensitized to movies that are only scary because they vary between being really quiet and really loud?
Are Ouija boards making you bored? Does Halloween make you want to scream (you know, with apathy)?
If you answer is 'yes' to all these questions then there's something wrong with you; Halloween is awesome.
As a holiday, Halloween has three major selling points: free candy, fake blood and no church. All three of these prospects are of great interest to children and myself alike.
And, to answer the question posed in my title, it's spook-tacular.
I would know; there's been a Halloween nearly every year I've been alive. It's a holiday filled with the rich tradition of Protestant boot-quivering and nougat, both of which are the result of witchcraft.
Witchcraft, as you should remember from Arthur Miller's "The Crucible," is what the worried people were worried about before communism was invented.
HALLOWEEN THOUGHTS
My favorite costumes this year are "Sexy Slut" and "Sexy Naked Person."
Advice: Don't wear something that takes more than one sentence to explain. I realized this about halfway through explaining, "Well, my friend here is 'The Plenisher.' You know, like 'The Punisher,' while I'm the 'The Replenisher.' He gives people a packet of paper when they buy a printer, then I supply them with the rest of the paper they'll ever need after they're done with that initial packet of paper. If he doesn't give them any paper, you see, then there's no way I can do my job." It's usually a surprise if somebody was even listening in the first place.
Angel wings will make any costume exponentially cleverer.
"I'm a businessman-angel," "I'm an angelic barber," and "I'm a sexy slut…but I'm also an angel!" are all cheap and resourceful ideas!
If Halloween were to happen, say, three to four times per year, then all kinds of societal problems would be solved (except, say, the obesity rate).
Imagine it!
People would have more things to talk to each other about! Things like, "So, what are you supposed to be?" and "Isn't it hard to breathe in that thing?"
Fake blood works the same way as angel wings. For instance: that prom queen costume you've been working on could easily become "prom queen with blood all over her."
Pumpkins are lame. There are plenty of things out there that make me more scared when I think of them being carved: my face, for instance. I don't like the texture of pumpkin pies, either. Pumpkin bread is okay.
As much of a novelty "Thriller" and "The Monster Mash" are, they really monopolize most Halloween playlists. Solution: The Misfits.
Actually, the solution to most things is The Misfits.
lifeline@cm-life.com
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