2008 Woodie Awards
Guitars are lame
By: Paul Isakson
Issue date: 11/14/07 Section: Lifeline
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I hate guitars and everyone who plays guitar.
"But Paul, you defecate out your festering mouth-hole. Aren't you a guitar player? I've seen you play open mics (at Kaya on Wednesdays). How can you be such a hypocrite?"
It's easy, darling: I hate myself.
I've been playing the guitar since I was 17. I hit my plateau at 19. I stopped spending money on guitar stuff at 20.
It's easier for me this way: when I break a string, it's one less part of the guitar I have to play. The more stuff I break, the less music I make. Everybody wins!
I'm now 21 and continue to be a mediocre guitarist, which is more than I've ever asked for. I'm not saying this to sound humble or whatever. It's just that I'm probably as mediocre as any guitarist possibly can be.
You know, like Bon Jovi or Aerosmith: you can't accuse them of being bad bands, but they're pretty much exactly nothing special.
In other words, I'm Bon Jovi.
But the question remains: Why is young Paul Isakson such a hater? What are his motives?
If you are one of those silly people questioning my motives for hating guitars/guitarists then you're on the wrong track, sister.
It's not jealousy. I know that, being a severely average musician, that roughly half of everyone who tries playing music is better than me.
I'm OK with this. I like talented musicians; most of my favorite musicians have some kind of talent.
Being attacked by a roving gang of musicians as a child did not lead to this disposition, either. I don't blame those thugs, dancing in the streets, shaking down squares for change to supply themselves with reeds and matching outfits.
While most of my family was killed by means of musical instruments, many of these musical/death instruments of death/music were not guitars. I'm still OK with saxophones.
This, as I've mentioned, is not the point.
Playing guitar, as we all know, is a prerequisite for being a guy in college.
"But Paul, you defecate out your festering mouth-hole. Aren't you a guitar player? I've seen you play open mics (at Kaya on Wednesdays). How can you be such a hypocrite?"
It's easy, darling: I hate myself.
I've been playing the guitar since I was 17. I hit my plateau at 19. I stopped spending money on guitar stuff at 20.
It's easier for me this way: when I break a string, it's one less part of the guitar I have to play. The more stuff I break, the less music I make. Everybody wins!
I'm now 21 and continue to be a mediocre guitarist, which is more than I've ever asked for. I'm not saying this to sound humble or whatever. It's just that I'm probably as mediocre as any guitarist possibly can be.
You know, like Bon Jovi or Aerosmith: you can't accuse them of being bad bands, but they're pretty much exactly nothing special.
In other words, I'm Bon Jovi.
But the question remains: Why is young Paul Isakson such a hater? What are his motives?
If you are one of those silly people questioning my motives for hating guitars/guitarists then you're on the wrong track, sister.
It's not jealousy. I know that, being a severely average musician, that roughly half of everyone who tries playing music is better than me.
I'm OK with this. I like talented musicians; most of my favorite musicians have some kind of talent.
Being attacked by a roving gang of musicians as a child did not lead to this disposition, either. I don't blame those thugs, dancing in the streets, shaking down squares for change to supply themselves with reeds and matching outfits.
While most of my family was killed by means of musical instruments, many of these musical/death instruments of death/music were not guitars. I'm still OK with saxophones.
This, as I've mentioned, is not the point.
Playing guitar, as we all know, is a prerequisite for being a guy in college.
Viewing Comments 1 - 2 of 4
Marko Arizankoski
posted 11/14/07 @ 2:03 PM EST
I have a link for young man!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LzTFTMUBMw
Yes, we need more natural sounding music for listening.
um
posted 12/02/07 @ 6:50 PM EST
I'm not sure what CM Life editors are thinking, but this is the stupidest college newspaper article I have ever read. Ever. I was under the impression that CM Life was an award winning publication. (Continued…)
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