2008 Woodie Awards
The best things in life are tree
By: Paul Isakson
Issue date: 1/7/08 Section: Lifeline
Note: This column was written during one of those warm months.
I like climbing trees. In light of this fact, I'm going to talk about climbing trees this week.
Methods of Climbing Trees
There are many ways to climb a tree. Some better than others. While the most common method of climbing is the act of grabbing branches and lifting oneself onto a tree, this technique has been described by important researchers as "uninspired," "unimaginative" and "underpants."
So next time you are climbing a tree, remember: you have options.
Jumping really high.
Though this method is not so much climbing as it is jumping, it's still an effective means of getting off the ground.
This is only recommended if you either actually can jump really high or enjoy getting embarrassed in front of all kinds of attractive people, such as the attractive people who hang out beneath trees.
Shimmying.
From what I understand from video games, this is how people climb trees on islands. WARNING: do not attempt to shimmy up trees made out of knifes. Like the saying goes, "knifetrees are not shimmytrees." They're working on a better saying.
Jet pack.
This is a silly option: you obviously can't afford a jet pack.
Levitation.
This option requires some kind of fake religion to master. Just kidding! All religions are wrong.
Benefits of Climbing Trees (in brief)
Eavesdropping on the kinds of people who have deeply personal conversation beneath trees.
In case there's a war, stealth.
Feeding your superiority complex (i.e. the higher you climb, the more important you are).
Escape from enemies, especially when most of your enemies are dogs and small children.
If you're climbing the tree in my front yard, free toilet paper
Drawbacks of Climbing Trees
Heights
If there's one thing I know about heights, it's that they're scary and never did nobody no good no how.
I like climbing trees. In light of this fact, I'm going to talk about climbing trees this week.
Methods of Climbing Trees
There are many ways to climb a tree. Some better than others. While the most common method of climbing is the act of grabbing branches and lifting oneself onto a tree, this technique has been described by important researchers as "uninspired," "unimaginative" and "underpants."
So next time you are climbing a tree, remember: you have options.
Jumping really high.
Though this method is not so much climbing as it is jumping, it's still an effective means of getting off the ground.
This is only recommended if you either actually can jump really high or enjoy getting embarrassed in front of all kinds of attractive people, such as the attractive people who hang out beneath trees.
Shimmying.
From what I understand from video games, this is how people climb trees on islands. WARNING: do not attempt to shimmy up trees made out of knifes. Like the saying goes, "knifetrees are not shimmytrees." They're working on a better saying.
Jet pack.
This is a silly option: you obviously can't afford a jet pack.
Levitation.
This option requires some kind of fake religion to master. Just kidding! All religions are wrong.
Benefits of Climbing Trees (in brief)
Eavesdropping on the kinds of people who have deeply personal conversation beneath trees.
In case there's a war, stealth.
Feeding your superiority complex (i.e. the higher you climb, the more important you are).
Escape from enemies, especially when most of your enemies are dogs and small children.
If you're climbing the tree in my front yard, free toilet paper
Drawbacks of Climbing Trees
Heights
If there's one thing I know about heights, it's that they're scary and never did nobody no good no how.
