2008 Woodie Awards
Qualifications for courtship
Now accepting applications for future girlfriend
By: Paul Isakson
Issue date: 1/16/08 Section: Lifeline
I like proto-punk music.
If you don't know what proto-punk is, then imagine the Rolling Stones if they were born 10 years later. Or listen to the Velvet Underground. If you're actually doing either of these things, you just might be a music journalist.
Proto-punk has the distinction of being characterized by its relationship to a kind of music that didn't exist yet. For example, imagine being a proto-hopscotch painter. Weird example? You won't think so after the hopscotch movement comes and goes. At that point you'll be kitschy.
Granted, proto-punk was labeled in that kind of genre-stamping system that music journalists love. This is one of the reasons why I don't like music journalists. The other reasons involve having talked to music journalists at parties.
Anyway, The Modern Lovers often are described as a proto-punk band; mostly because they sounded a little like the Velvet Underground. Jonathan Richman, the nasally-interesting singer/songwriter guy of the band, mostly sings about how he wants a girlfriend and how good of a boyfriend he is. Not in a "let's have sex and do drugs and stuff" way but in, like, a "let's hang out and cuddle" way.
He even has a song about how he doesn't do drugs and therefore has better boyfriend skills. How un-rock 'n' roll is that?
What I'm trying to say in this meandering pile of half-opinions is that I, a proto-punk rocker, kind of want a girlfriend too. I'm ready to settle down in a nonsubstantial way. Specifically, my goal is to have a girlfriend by the time Valentine's Day rolls around so that I have nothing to mope about at the time.
Failing to accomplish this so far, I've taken to filling out "boyfriend applications" that my female friends have posted on their social networking pages. So far: no responses. Apparently it takes a while to file new applicants.
To speed the process up, I've decided to follow Richman's model and outline my boyfriend skills. Since I'm not as good at writing proto-punk songs as he (I'm more post-punk), I bullet-pointed a "boyfriend résumé" to outline these skills.
Paul Isakson's
Boyfriend Résumé
w I'm a hard worker, though I don't usually make deadlines. (If this were a job-type résumé this would be a bad thing. If you interpret it in a sexy way, however, it's very high five-worthy.)
w Take my word for it: I have previous experience. In other words, please don't contact any of my former girlfriends.
w I give great backrubs. The kind that feel so good they cause you a great amount of pain. They're called "deep-tissue massages." It's hard to explain, but you'll enjoy the (physical) pain I put you through.
w My iTunes has a lot of Bright Eyes and Death Cab.
w I've watched "A Walk To Remember" alone, un-ironically, very nearly crying.
w Given enough time, I can cook anything with a recipe on the side of its package.
w I won't make you listen to any proto-punk music.
news@cm-life.com
If you don't know what proto-punk is, then imagine the Rolling Stones if they were born 10 years later. Or listen to the Velvet Underground. If you're actually doing either of these things, you just might be a music journalist.
Proto-punk has the distinction of being characterized by its relationship to a kind of music that didn't exist yet. For example, imagine being a proto-hopscotch painter. Weird example? You won't think so after the hopscotch movement comes and goes. At that point you'll be kitschy.
Granted, proto-punk was labeled in that kind of genre-stamping system that music journalists love. This is one of the reasons why I don't like music journalists. The other reasons involve having talked to music journalists at parties.
Anyway, The Modern Lovers often are described as a proto-punk band; mostly because they sounded a little like the Velvet Underground. Jonathan Richman, the nasally-interesting singer/songwriter guy of the band, mostly sings about how he wants a girlfriend and how good of a boyfriend he is. Not in a "let's have sex and do drugs and stuff" way but in, like, a "let's hang out and cuddle" way.
He even has a song about how he doesn't do drugs and therefore has better boyfriend skills. How un-rock 'n' roll is that?
What I'm trying to say in this meandering pile of half-opinions is that I, a proto-punk rocker, kind of want a girlfriend too. I'm ready to settle down in a nonsubstantial way. Specifically, my goal is to have a girlfriend by the time Valentine's Day rolls around so that I have nothing to mope about at the time.
Failing to accomplish this so far, I've taken to filling out "boyfriend applications" that my female friends have posted on their social networking pages. So far: no responses. Apparently it takes a while to file new applicants.
To speed the process up, I've decided to follow Richman's model and outline my boyfriend skills. Since I'm not as good at writing proto-punk songs as he (I'm more post-punk), I bullet-pointed a "boyfriend résumé" to outline these skills.
Paul Isakson's
Boyfriend Résumé
w I'm a hard worker, though I don't usually make deadlines. (If this were a job-type résumé this would be a bad thing. If you interpret it in a sexy way, however, it's very high five-worthy.)
w Take my word for it: I have previous experience. In other words, please don't contact any of my former girlfriends.
w I give great backrubs. The kind that feel so good they cause you a great amount of pain. They're called "deep-tissue massages." It's hard to explain, but you'll enjoy the (physical) pain I put you through.
w My iTunes has a lot of Bright Eyes and Death Cab.
w I've watched "A Walk To Remember" alone, un-ironically, very nearly crying.
w Given enough time, I can cook anything with a recipe on the side of its package.
w I won't make you listen to any proto-punk music.
news@cm-life.com
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Dani Nadeau
posted 1/17/08 @ 1:28 AM EST
Hey Kaya buddy. This is not a plus, "I've watched "A Walk To Remember" alone, un-ironically, very nearly crying." You should take it off of your resume. (Continued…)
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