2008 Woodie Awards
Letting the hate out
By: Paul Isakson
Issue date: 2/20/08 Section: Lifeline
These were my New Year's resolutions:
1. Keep my New Year's resolutions this year.
2. Stop being such a hater.
3. Quit making so many lists.
I'm only interested in keeping the first one. (HA!)
The trickiest of these resolutions, however, is the "stop being such a hater" one. This is tough, both as a humor columnist and a thoroughly-socialized male raised on pure, Midwestern stoicism.
Ever notice how much easier it is to list things you don't like? Maybe I should speak for myself. For every movie I love, I probably hate about 10. Why? I DON'T KNOW. STOP ASKING.
As easy it is to write "I don't like blah blah blah" columns, I'm being stabbed by my insides by my hatred as a result of this.
I've read that in 16th century Japan, monks would draw out their demons by literally drawing them out. I've decided to get the hate out of my system for the year by means of a complete misinterpretation of that process. Since I can't draw and refuse to teach myself how, I'm going to write out my demons, letting the hatred and negativity spill across the page like dogs in a dog-sprawling contest. Enjoy!
I hate:
•Newspapers. Print is dead. No, worse, print is undead. That's right: ZOMBIES.
•Bricks. They stack up. They make walls. Yeah, BIG DEAL.
•Electric light. If it weren't for light bulbs, WE COULD ALL BE IN BED BY NOW.
•Haircuts. One word: FUTILE.
•Effective communication. Actively listening? Why don't you actively SHUT UP?
•Shaving. By denying hair, you're denying nature. THINK ABOUT IT, MAN.
•Radio. If I wanted to hear people talk... wait... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR PEOPLE TALK.
•Water. Seventy percent of our bodies, 100 percent LAME.
•Pizza. Delicious? Yes. I hate pizza, but I like its taste. Does that make sense? I DON'T CARE.
•The Star Wars trilogies. If I wanted to see people running around and shooting at each other in space for 12 hours, I'd arrange a Thanksgiving dinner with my family on the moon. HA!
•Religion. Oh, look at me! I believe things because I want them to be true! Give me money! You're ugly. That's right, I called you ugly. WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW, UGLY?
•Clocks. If it weren't for clocks, this column would be done before deadline. Also, I'D BE IN BED BY NOW.
•The desert. Sand is only fun when it's by bodies of water. OASES DON'T COUNT.
•Finger/toenails. Good for what? Scratching? BIG DEAL.
•Communism. The means of production shouldn't belong to the people. It should belong to elephants, because elephants are HUGE.
•Constellations. I don't understand. Do you just connect the dots? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
•Drums. WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE.
•Phones. If I wanted to talk to people... wait...PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME.
lifeline@cm-life.com
1. Keep my New Year's resolutions this year.
2. Stop being such a hater.
3. Quit making so many lists.
I'm only interested in keeping the first one. (HA!)
The trickiest of these resolutions, however, is the "stop being such a hater" one. This is tough, both as a humor columnist and a thoroughly-socialized male raised on pure, Midwestern stoicism.
Ever notice how much easier it is to list things you don't like? Maybe I should speak for myself. For every movie I love, I probably hate about 10. Why? I DON'T KNOW. STOP ASKING.
As easy it is to write "I don't like blah blah blah" columns, I'm being stabbed by my insides by my hatred as a result of this.
I've read that in 16th century Japan, monks would draw out their demons by literally drawing them out. I've decided to get the hate out of my system for the year by means of a complete misinterpretation of that process. Since I can't draw and refuse to teach myself how, I'm going to write out my demons, letting the hatred and negativity spill across the page like dogs in a dog-sprawling contest. Enjoy!
I hate:
•Newspapers. Print is dead. No, worse, print is undead. That's right: ZOMBIES.
•Bricks. They stack up. They make walls. Yeah, BIG DEAL.
•Electric light. If it weren't for light bulbs, WE COULD ALL BE IN BED BY NOW.
•Haircuts. One word: FUTILE.
•Effective communication. Actively listening? Why don't you actively SHUT UP?
•Shaving. By denying hair, you're denying nature. THINK ABOUT IT, MAN.
•Radio. If I wanted to hear people talk... wait... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR PEOPLE TALK.
•Water. Seventy percent of our bodies, 100 percent LAME.
•Pizza. Delicious? Yes. I hate pizza, but I like its taste. Does that make sense? I DON'T CARE.
•The Star Wars trilogies. If I wanted to see people running around and shooting at each other in space for 12 hours, I'd arrange a Thanksgiving dinner with my family on the moon. HA!
•Religion. Oh, look at me! I believe things because I want them to be true! Give me money! You're ugly. That's right, I called you ugly. WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW, UGLY?
•Clocks. If it weren't for clocks, this column would be done before deadline. Also, I'D BE IN BED BY NOW.
•The desert. Sand is only fun when it's by bodies of water. OASES DON'T COUNT.
•Finger/toenails. Good for what? Scratching? BIG DEAL.
•Communism. The means of production shouldn't belong to the people. It should belong to elephants, because elephants are HUGE.
•Constellations. I don't understand. Do you just connect the dots? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
•Drums. WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE.
•Phones. If I wanted to talk to people... wait...PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME.
lifeline@cm-life.com
Viewing Comments 1 - 9 of 9
Sean
posted 2/20/08 @ 3:02 PM EST
You...aren't funny. At all. Last weeks column was atrocious and an insulting take at sci-fi. This is just bad...
That's right, I'm letting the hate out. (Continued…)
hating
posted 2/21/08 @ 10:58 AM EST
After reading all of those.... it doesn't surprise me that no one wants to talk to you....
Was that the point of the article? *confused face*
Martha
posted 2/21/08 @ 11:04 AM EST
I agree with Sean. You have never been funny.
I have to wonder if you are starting to realize this and trying even harder to be funny now. Well here's a tip for you, adding the word "ha" to the end of sentences will not make people laugh. (Continued…)
teh troll
posted 2/21/08 @ 12:00 PM EST
naw sean, the fact you're butt hurt over sci-fi proves that you suck.
now hit the warp speed and gtfo
David Seger
posted 2/21/08 @ 7:06 PM EST
What?! These comments are insane. Paul, you are the best. Your columns are awesome and the only reason to even glance at CM-Life. You're a mad genius. (Continued…)
Ryan
posted 2/22/08 @ 1:43 AM EST
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese. (Ha!)
Sean
posted 2/22/08 @ 2:33 AM EST
GASP! There's a facebook group now.
"Paul Isakson's irony makes me hurt inside."
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=22620200222&ref=mf
JOIN!!!!
mike
posted 2/23/08 @ 3:45 AM EST
Paul,
I agree with David I get ready to laugh out loud every time I see a new column of your posted.
keep up the good work my friend
Cam
posted 2/23/08 @ 4:01 AM EST
It's a shame that hateful things tend to be some of the only posts about things like this. I think a lot of people find Paul's articles hilarious and kind of take it for granted. (Continued…)
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