2008 Woodie Awards
Self-help in four steps or less
By: Paul Isakson
Issue date: 4/9/08 Section: Lifeline
I consider myself a bit of a self-help guru. Why? Because I'm otherwise unemployable.
How to cook:
-Read the package.
-Failing that, you'll probably survive if you eat small portions of uncooked food over a long period of time.
How to be cool:
-Lean up against things.
-Act distant and apathetic.
-Alienate your friends.
-Repeat.
How to make friends on the Internet:
-Click the "Add Friend" button.
How to be ironic:
-Make a list of things you don't like.
-Pretend to like them.
How to study for big exams:
-Buy expensive textbooks.
-Open to random pages, memorizing brief passages.
-Wake up the day of the exam.
-Spend the morning trying to figure out how to copy the book onto your iPod in text format.
Basic guitar instructions:
-Hold guitar.
-Look serious.
How to impress your friends with ultra-accurate weather predictions:
-Go outside.
-Observe cloud patterns.
-Send up weather balloons.
-Travel back in time.
How to win pillow fights:
-Buy pillows.
-Invite friends over.
-I've never gotten past step 2.
Basic dance Instructions:
-Don't look like an idiot.
Basic massage instructions:
-Light candles.
-Put on soft music.
-Turn on massage chair.
How to make your own clothes:
-Cover torso with fabric.
-Have a friend cut out holes for limbs.
-Go on big date.
How to drive:
-Hold steering wheel.
-Make car noises.
-Complain about traffic.
Basic harpooning instructions:
-Hold harpoon overhead.
-Throw at target.
-Run!
-Mention how you've never seen that car in your life but, if you don't mind me saying so, it does look pretty good with a harpoon sticking out of its passenger door.
How to enjoy the Internet:
-Never look at the "comments" section.
Basic bank-robbing instructions:
-Seek employment at bank.
-Attain promotion into corporate.
-Embezzle.
How to write a humor column:
-Write one joke.
-Stretch it out 500 words.
lifeline@cm-life.com
How to cook:
-Read the package.
-Failing that, you'll probably survive if you eat small portions of uncooked food over a long period of time.
How to be cool:
-Lean up against things.
-Act distant and apathetic.
-Alienate your friends.
-Repeat.
How to make friends on the Internet:
-Click the "Add Friend" button.
How to be ironic:
-Make a list of things you don't like.
-Pretend to like them.
How to study for big exams:
-Buy expensive textbooks.
-Open to random pages, memorizing brief passages.
-Wake up the day of the exam.
-Spend the morning trying to figure out how to copy the book onto your iPod in text format.
Basic guitar instructions:
-Hold guitar.
-Look serious.
How to impress your friends with ultra-accurate weather predictions:
-Go outside.
-Observe cloud patterns.
-Send up weather balloons.
-Travel back in time.
How to win pillow fights:
-Buy pillows.
-Invite friends over.
-I've never gotten past step 2.
Basic dance Instructions:
-Don't look like an idiot.
Basic massage instructions:
-Light candles.
-Put on soft music.
-Turn on massage chair.
How to make your own clothes:
-Cover torso with fabric.
-Have a friend cut out holes for limbs.
-Go on big date.
How to drive:
-Hold steering wheel.
-Make car noises.
-Complain about traffic.
Basic harpooning instructions:
-Hold harpoon overhead.
-Throw at target.
-Run!
-Mention how you've never seen that car in your life but, if you don't mind me saying so, it does look pretty good with a harpoon sticking out of its passenger door.
How to enjoy the Internet:
-Never look at the "comments" section.
Basic bank-robbing instructions:
-Seek employment at bank.
-Attain promotion into corporate.
-Embezzle.
How to write a humor column:
-Write one joke.
-Stretch it out 500 words.
lifeline@cm-life.com
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