Movie Review: "The Last Witch Hunter" is the last movie you want to see


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“The Last Witch Hunter” follows Kaulder, a witch hunter played by Vin Diesel cursed with immortality when he killed the Witch Queen 800 years prior to the main story.

In the modern world, Kaulder has made peace with most witches, allowing them to run free and only hunting those who abuse their powers. Trouble rises when a group of witches, resenting these restrictions, seek to revive the Witch Queen and with her the black plague to devastate humanity. Helping Kaulder are the Dolans, priests who have advised him through the centuries.

The plot is not particularly interesting in and of itself. I was initially intrigued by the lore the film builds around witchcraft, but that lore is delivered in boring exposition. The movie fails to set up any of its plot twists, and deus ex machinas abound so far as to make it pointless to find any logic in this world.

The story’s greatest offense is a plot twist near the end involving the newest Dolan, played by Elijah Wood. The character receives very little screen time or development, so when the twist occurs (which I won’t spoil for the few people masochistic enough to watch this movie) there’s no setup, no justification. Just “boom, here’s a random twist that makes no sense.”

Michael Caine, better known as Alfred from the Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy, plays an older priest who's served Kaulder for decades. I’d like to say he delivered a performance worthy of his reputation, but he doesn’t actually do anything outside of the occasional exposition dump. He’s basically here to play a less fascinating version of Alfred.

While Vin Diesel does an adequate job as the main character, he falls into the tired cliché of the tough guy who holds in his suffering. We’re constantly told that Kaulder’s immortality is a curse, but this is never reflected in his character. We're told through dialogue that he's tired from centuries of hunting, but Diesel's too busy trying to look cool to give us a character with any depth.

We find a far more interesting character in Chloe. Unlike Diesel, Leslie manages to bring her character’s history and its influence to the forefront. She becomes the spokesperson for the suffering and persecution witches face. Once again, however, one of the few good parts of the movie is undermined by poor delivery. Chloe picks the most awkward times to criticize Kaulder, like right after saving him from the rebellious witches.

As for the Witch Queen, played by French actress Julie Engelbrecht, there’s not much to say. She’s your typical shallow villain. Do some evil laughs, blah blah, exposition, blah blah blah, humans are evil, blah blah blah, is it over yet?

Even worse than the subpar acting are the special effects. The CGI here looks about a decade old, and the action isn’t even the sort of fun Diesel brought in “Furious 7.” Someone was very fond of flashing, bright lights in the background, though. I made a mental joke about possibly having a seizure, only to become increasingly worried as it went on, and on and on. The final scenes are full of these effects, and I think this is the first time I’ve been able to say a movie was literally painful to watch.

“The Last Witch Hunter” is one of the worst movies of 2015. Overstuffed with filler and exposition, this is not the movie you should reward with your hard-earned money.

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