High school comedies that take place in college just aren't that funny. And in the case of the amateurish "Down to You," they can be downright offensive.

You know it's about to get rough from the word go when Freddie Prinze Jr. interrupts his on-screen activities to turn and address the audience and inform them of his love life woes. Narration is one thing, but when not used for comic purposes (see "Ferris Bueller's Day Off,") the State of the Movie address to the audience is a tell tale sign of poor film making. It's as if the filmmakers cannot convey their character's emotions in any way on screen, to the point where they have to have them come out and tell the audience exactly how they're feeling, why, and when. It's degrading.

As if we couldn't figure it all out on our own. The gumpily named son of a television chef Al (Freddie Prinze Jr.) meets and later falls in love with the pretentiously named budding art student Imogen (Julia Stiles, "10 Things I Hate About You") at their New York City college. Al's pessimistic friends, who include a porno star (Zak Orth), a porno starlet (Selma Blair, "Cruel Intentions") and an up and coming porno star (Shawn Hatosy, "The Faculty," "Outside Providence"), all think that love is phony, and tell Al that the tingles will soon go away. They eventually do, of course, but only when Imogen decides to sleep with Jim Morrison (Ashton Kutcher, "That '70s Show"). Down in the dumps, Al seeks solace in conversation with Monk (Orth), but he's too busy with his career, for he doubles as some famous philosophy star who gives keynote speeches and appears on "Charlie Rose"-type talk shows. Meanwhile, Al's father, Ray (The Fonz!) has cooked up a post-graduate job on a new reality based cooking show based on "Cops" called "Cooks," where Al and Ray would bust in on unsuspecting people's homes, SWAT teams in tow, and cook them dinner.

What the hell is going on, you say? I hadn't the slightest idea, and from the sound of it, neither did any of the gaggles of target audience teenage girls in attendance.

"Down to You" is dreck the likes of which make "She's All That" or any of the teen invasion films of 1999 look like John Hughes material. Mercifully short at 85 minutes, "Down to You" is an entirely non-cohesive mess. Lacking any star quality, humor or magic, "Down to You" is about as joyless a teen movie as you're likely to find.

Worse yet, it tries to relate to college students by placing itself in a college setting, not for plot, but rather to try and hit a larger audience. But college + the movies always equals one annoying thing - unrealistically large, flattering dorm rooms, which anyone who's ever been in one knows is the furthest thing from the truth - and it's no different in "Down To You," whose dorm rooms contain full size baths.

Written and directed by former Miramax stagehand Kris Isacsson, who happened to be in the right place at the right time with a script in hand, "Down to You" is a sloppy and senseless mess. In the ranks of teen movies with chef themes, it somehow manages to sink beneath the levels of "Simply Irresistible," the Sarah Michelle Gellar movie with the enchanted crabs.

Teen hell. Moreso than LFO.