Metalheads show boy bands who's boss

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Will the real Dr. Evil please stand up!
Ozzy Osbourne, the 51-year-old Prince of Darkness, brought his summer camp from hell to Columbus July 18 for the 9th show of OZZfest 2000, the largest and highest-grossing package tour of the past five years. Boy bands and plastic corporate slaves be damned.
From July 2 to Sept. 2, OZZfest will play 29 shows. In Columbus, 18 bands screaming different blends of heavy metal appeared at the Polaris Amphitheater and on a second stage before 17,666 delirious fans.
Although audiences flocked to the main stage at the amphitheater, the second stage was definitely not second class. Beginning at 10:50 a.m., the band The Deadlights woke up early attendees by rousing up the day's first mosh pit. After a half hour, Pitchshifter took the stage with lead singer JS Clayden proclaiming, "I hate boy bands. I want them to die slowly as I twist the knife."
The Canadian band, Slaves On Dope, appeared next and reminded the crowd that Ozzfest "isn't Lilith Fair." The second-stage acts, jamming for 25 to 45 minutes, also included Reveille, TapRoot, from Ann Arbor, Shuvel, Primer 55, the teenage female quartet Kittie and Soulfly.
Of the nine bands on the second stage and the nine on the main stage, Kittie somewhat surprisingly enticed the best moshing and crowd surfing of the day. Rocking tunes like their well-known "Brackish" and others like "Choke" and "Do You Think I'm a Whore" impressed the headbanging crowd that didn't need to be reminded by vocalist/guitarist Morgan Lander that Kittie is "not the muthaf*ckin' Spice Girls."
Starting the post meridiem chunk of metal on the main stage was Disturbed, from Chicago. "We are Disturbed," vocalist David Draiman announced dryly after being released from his straight jacket and Hannibal Lecter headgear. The groups best songs were "Down With the Sickness" and "Stupify."
The band's Web site, at disturbed1.com., is worth checking out.
Next on stage came the "Queens of the Stone Age," who crawled from their caves to produce trance-like jams led by former Kyuss member Josh Homme. The band was the closest thing to psychedelic of all the musical acts at OZZfest, and their name probably confused some of the rednecks stumbling about in clouds of machismo.
After P.O.D. (Payable On Death) held court with their spiritual hardcore, Methods of Mayhem came aboard. M.O.M. did a good job of injecting fun into the audience without former Motley Crue drummer and current M.O.M. joker Tommy Lee spoiling the show.
Lee rapped, sang, played guitar and keyboard during the band's hip hop, techno and punk-laden set, yet was still outshined by Methods of Mayhem neon green-haired rapper TiLo. It's encouraging that the cheesy Lee is with a credible band after nearly two decades with those other "Motley" poseurs, but he's no Dave Grohl.
Late in the afternoon, Incubus played a beautifully well-structured set, including melodic hard rock hits "Pardon Me" and "Stellar" from the bands gold-certified album "Make Yourself." Incubus can teach lessons to many musicians, number one being that heart and passion carry more weight than trends and egos.
Putting the smack down on everyone, musically-inclined or not, was the best band at OZZfest, Static-X. The crew entered before the Polaris flock between two large power conductors jutting out on both sides of the group's drum set, and proceeded to performed 10 of their 12 songs on their Ministry and Prong-influenced "Wisconsin Death Trip" CD.
The set included the title track and "Love Dump," the latter dedicated to the females by lead singer/guitarist Wayne Static, as well as the lovable "I'm With Stupid" and the group's breakthrough smash "Push It." And since Ministry couldn't make it, Static-X covered their "Burning Inside" number with kick-ass aptitude. Incidentally, Wayne Static, hails originally from Shelby, Mich.
Static-X could have very easily leapfrogged over the next two bands, Godsmack and Pantera, before Ozzy took over the reigns. While Godsmack performed a tight and polished set, including "Moon Baby," "Bad Religion" and "Voodoo," they didn't spike the audience with originality, probably because they don't have any.
From the band's sun logo on its banner to the title of its CD, "Godsmack," to singer Sully's Layne Staley rip-offs, Godsmack has borrowed from a Seattle legend much too much. Here's hoping Godsmack's new CD arriving in Halloween doesn't include any impersonations of Alice In Chains.
As for Pantera, lead singer Phil Anselmo whined a lot about the lost glory of '80s headbanging and wondered why he had to beg for mosh pits out on the lawn section. Could it be that Pantera doesn't have what it takes to reinvent the steel? Other than "Walk," "A New Level" and "This Love," Pantera was annoying and uncool. Anselmo also liked to drape a towel with a Confederate flag symbol on it around his head, perhaps to console his tired, southern-fried ego. Walk on home, "boy."
After the sun went down on Pantera, sometime after 9:30 p.m., the audience finally was redeemed for suffering through Phil Asshole, ... uh, Anselmo, when Ozzy shuffled on stage. Sure, the Oz lives in Beverly Hills these days, talks to a therapist twice daily and is more sober than Janet Reno, but he's still Ironman.
Before the shenanigans began on stage, the amphitheater crowd was treated to Ozzy's take on popular culture via some big screens: swipes at boy bands and plastic girls, Bud commercials with a certain phone greeting, Austin Powers and even The Sixth Sense movie. When does Ozzy see dead people? "All the time."
The backdrop for Ozzy and crew depicted a vision of hell - flames shooting to the ceiling and balls of fire blasting from caverns aside the stairway Ozzy descended, down to the screaming faithful.
And the real Dr. Evil proved to be alive and (kind of) kicking. Ozzy shuffled around stage like the dearly-departed Walter Matthau and expressed a proclivity for H2O. Throughout the set, Ozzy ran from buckets of water - which he doused over his head - to two fire hoses used to shower his thirsty followers. Then, in moments of reflection ("retirement still sucks?"), he would lurch over to his microphone stand/crutch, panting for air.
Ozzy has never made a solo album that's sold less than a million copies, and didn't disappoint any souls with his smart set list: "I Don't Know," "Believer," "Diary of a Madman," "Mr. Crowley," "Mama I'm Coming Home," "Suicide Solution" and "Crazy Train," as well as two Black Sabbath legends, "War Pigs" and "Paranoid."
Leaving Polaris Amphitheater, fans walked over little black bits of paper scattered between the rows of seats. Those unable to catch the confetti as it shot overhead earlier now stooped over to grab a memory or two. Written on each scrap was "OZZY.com."
Wired or not, Ozzy still makes connections.