‘The Twelve Days of Sexmas’

Justin Pizzala

The days of the semester are coming to an end and the holidays are nearing.

In this spirit, here is my own version of the “The Twelve Days of Christmas” — “The Twelve Days of Sexmas.”

Twelve hummers while humming,

Sex tip: Include humming in your oral sex-capades. Whichever gender your partner is, they’ll appreciate it.

Eleven panties droppin,

Ten boners poppin,

Nine strippers dancing,

Ladies, trying to spice up your sex life? Rent the Carmen Electra Aerobic Striptease video. You’ll get a work-out and also a free present for your boyfriend when you show him what you’ve learned.

Eight maids a-milking,

Do I even need to change this one?

Seven sperm a-swimming.

I can’t leave out the safe sex warning. Each male ejaculate contains millions of sperm and the possibility of spreading STDs. This goes for women too: Protect and inform yourself.

Six college kids a-laying,

AWell, maybe there’s more than that.

Five cock rings,

Ever wonder what a cock ring was for? After seeing several on a beach in Miami I did, and here’s what I found out. According to the health studies section of Columbia University’s Web site, a cock ring is used to make the penis bigger and harder. They constrict the blood flow which delays and may heighten the orgasm. There is a negative side to cock rings because while they cut off blood flow successfully, this may be harmful to penile tissue.

Four call girls.

Three French maids,

Dressing up as a French maid is just one of the sexy costume ideas to live out your fantasies. You’re going to have a lot of extra time over winter break, so why not spice up the holidays with your significant other by playing a little dress up?

Two love gloves,

Everyone knows that condoms come in all shapes and sizes, but how does this relate to the holidays? A condom wreath makes a great gag gift. I did a little nosing around on the Martha Stewart Web site to heighten my knowledge about wreaths, and here’s what I suggest. All you need is a foam wreath ring from an arts and crafts store, an assortment of condoms and a box of pins with assorted head colors. Now you can either pin the condoms directly onto the foam wreath, or you can trace the wreath onto cardboard, and glue the condoms to those before hot gluing the cardboard wreath to the foam wreath. Common sense reminder, do not use these condoms. Whether you’re pinning the condoms to the wreath, or hot gluing them, either of these things will make the condoms ineffective.

And one last column from me.

This is my good bye to CM Life and CMU. Happy Holidays everyone.

Ellen Taylor can be reached for comment at culture@cm-life.com.


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