HOROSCOPES: April 11 - April 17
In addition to his duties as Student Life Editor, Andrew Dooley has received all of your hate mail. If you consulted the classic 1987 manual "McKninzies Guide to Stars and other Wondrous Spheres," you would realize the incredible relevance of these projections to both the Standarde Charte of Staeres (4th Revision) and your own miserable life.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 – People who like creamy peanut butter are idiots. Don't date them, don't talk to them and absolutely refuse to construct ants on a log with them. It will taste horrible. Like salty caulk. Oh you like creamy because the texture is better? Eat yoghurt, clown. Stop wasting our time.
Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 – I had to use a mechanical pencil sharpener in class the other day, because somehow a purple colored pencil was the only writing implement left in my backpack. As I was whirring away, obnoxiously interrupting class, I realized that crappy wall-mounted crank pencil sharpeners are outdated, unattractive and barely functional, which means they are light years ahead of the redesigned cmich.edu.
Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20 – Facebook acquired Instagram for a cool $1 billion this week. The billion dollars wasn't cool, it was actually warmish and a little obnoxious, until Mark Zuckerberg took a tinted picture of it that made the warehouse full of green look even greener and posted it on his Facebook with the caption "lunch lol."
Aries: March 21 – April 20 – Is this the collective noun for a group of people named Ari? I love collective nouns. Some of my favorites are a business of ferrets, a murder of crows or a failure of CMU Public Relations administrators.
Taurus: April 21 – May 20 – I spent part of Easter weekend watching "Die Hard with a Vengeance" with my family. This largely meant trying to watch the movie while my Dad got really excited and old us to watch the movie. "Woah! Did you see that? Look at that? Watch this part, see what's in his hand?" Dad it's a movie! What do you think I was doing? Sorry, for that part I totally had my eyes closed! I forgot how to watch movies for a second! What did it say on the weird sandwich board they made him wear? Really? Wow!
Gemini: May 21 – June 21 – Friday night in downtown Detroit city I attempted karaoke for the first time. I realized two very important lessons: 1) karaoke is the only possible reason country music is so popular (anyone can sing "aand I loove my flaaagg and my dooogsss and stuffff" and make it sound okay) and 2) "Monster Mash" is probably not a tune for early April; the crowd did not receive that graveyard smash happily.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22 – The Internet tells me researchers are only two years away from a reasonably affordable staircase attachment that will act as a lift for overweight dogs, which I thought was an interesting way of announcing to the world that a cure for cancer has been developed. Wait ... what?
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22 – I don't think it's safe for human consumption, but I went out of town for a few days and the cole slaw in my fridge decided to make me even more cole slaw! Free food! It's in the dumpster behind Douglas Street if you want some.
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 – The Binturong is a South-East Asian species of "not bears" that sort've resemble furry, black versions of my nightmares. According to Wikipedia, "The scent of binturong musk is often compared to that of warm buttered popcorn[3]." I don't have a punchline for that.
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 – It's time for people giving directions from the passenger seat to completely abandon the word "right" when they mean "correct." Do I take a left here? Right. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. A list of words to use instead: affirmative, yes, indeed, absolutely, please, oh how wise of you to know to take a right here. I refuse to let this carpool situation turn into an Abbott and Costello routine. How selfish of you. Get out of my car.
Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 – Fans of indie rock need to stop acting like I just dropkicked a kitten every time I haven't heard of some Swedish industrial-folk band that released two encrypted singles before committing mass suicide in a burning go-kart. "Man, seriously, you've never heard of the Welsh xylophone collective Gfyyfhen Fynnfgfr? Ooooh." But don't worry, even if I had "all" their stuff, they make the exact same shot-in-the-lung hissy exhalation because of how mind-shattering the B-sides are. But even then they will ask if you've heard their early stuff. Hint: you have never heard their early stuff. Sometimes these people make me wish LMFAO was the only band on Earth.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 – I love the guts CMU has to charge graduating seniors $55 for a cap and gown. One last dip into my wallet before I escape. Maybe I can return every textbook I purchased over the course of 10 semesters in exchange for a 30 percent discount on a glorified disposable poncho.
