In addition to his duties as Student Life Editor, Andrew Dooley fancies himself something of a pale, less-talented Miss Cleo. He will be writing horoscopes for the Wednesday Vibe sections until ... are you going to eat that crust? Really? I mean, do you mind? Hey, thanks.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 – Hey, things are looking down lately, but at least you're not candy corn. Why does corn get the candy treatment? It's not even that good in normal form. Give me a candy carrot. Or candy babycorn. Wouldn't that be more fun? Babycorn is so fancy. It's food magic. But don't dress up a single kernel. Awful choice, Mr. Wonka.

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 – It's about to be SWIMSUIT SEASON AGAIN. For ladies, this means shopping and plenty of self-hating posts filling up my internets. For guys (especially this hairy albino), it means the dreadful choice between board shorts (what am I, 11 years old?) or anything cut higher than board shorts (THE THIGHS! THE CRACK. THE HORROR.) I am going back to the 1870's full-body, one-piece black and white striped circus suit. It's the only way forward.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20 – I had a really cool salt-water aquarium in high school. Clown fish! Coral! Neat! It was a fun hobby to work on when I took time away from reading about insects, gluing and painting miniature space marine models or playing Magic: The Gathering. I was the living solution to the problem of teen pregnancy.

Aries: March 21 – April 20 – They're knocking my house down the morning after I graduate from college. "Hey, don't let the roof hit you in the back and crush you, burying your limp, battered corpse in a pile of asbestos rubble, on the way out of town." - Love, Mount Pleasant.

Taurus: April 21 – May 20 – When did "bullsh*t" become the accepted worst kind of excrement possible? Seems harsh on bulls. Is it because they poop a lot? Bulls get exercise and eat mostly grasses and natural things. Last week, I ate Chef Boyardee ravioli, cold, out of the can and chased it with a lukewarm Rolling Rock. There's no way a bull could produce half the sh*tpocalypse I did. I'm calling bullsh*t on bullsh*t.

Gemini: May 21 – June 21 – Reader Charles wrote in to complain about Geminis always being"jerks" to Leos. Reader Lauren wrote in separately to say Geminis are usually quite happy lesbians and request that I make a joke about this. Charles, maybe they're just not that into you.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22 – The other day my roommate was trying to rank cancers based on which one is the "worst." THEY ARE ALL THE WORST, FRANK. THEY ARE CANCER. Having said that, bowel has to be the worst, right? But then there's brain ... dammit, Frank.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22 – Don't think, just answer. Who has hairier ears: Yoda or Danny DeVito?

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 – My kids are going to have interactive 3-D goggles for their Playstation Xs and hovershoes and a chocolate milk pump embedded in their back, but they will still never enjoy themselves the way I did with the T-Rex head on a stick toy. I PULL THE TRIGGER, AND IT BITES. FEAR ME, DETROIT ZOO. FEAR ME.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 - I tried watching "The Fast and the Furious" last night, and oh my goodness, do I need a brain bleaching. Attempted line of threatening dialogue delivered by a hopeless Steve Buscemi impersonator: "What is this guy? Sandwich crazy?" The script for that miserable movie was written by throwing a typewriter off a blimp 400 times.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 – Is there anything on Earth more loosely defined than "salad?" I don't mean the variety of Salad Salads, like the Chef, Caesar or Cobb. I get that. But what do I make of Potato Salad, Fruit Salad, Pea Salad, Cucumber Salad, Antipasto, Jello-y Dessert Salads, Tuna Salad and Egg Salad, all supposedly being the same thing? If I throw three Skittles and a half pound of cubed ham in a garbage bag, is that Diabetes Salad now? Oh? It's granola? Huh.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 – You have eight different colored highlighters in your planner, used for dividing up every single moment of your life. You have yoga time, study time, light cardio time, study time, heavy cardio time, eating lettuce time, homework time and powernap all budgeted. But you have no meaningful memories of college. Burn your planner.