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COLUMN: Changing the channel on scary movies


Fall is without doubt my favorite season.

With leaves that change to vibrant reds, yellows, purples and oranges, to crewnecks, to rum spiked with hot apple cider, the season really encompasses many of my favorite things.

There is, however, one event during this time that makes it equally my least favorite time of the year — Halloween.

I’m not hating on the entire celebration.

Sure, I’ll take the free candy, the parties and the food. Heck, I’ll even put on a slutty baker's costume and parade around like I’m the best thing since sliced bread.

But what I do dislike is the fact that when you remove the caramel apples, cider and thigh-highs, you’re left with all things scary: Scary movies, scary movie previews and haunted houses.

Because of Halloween, the fall is the peak time for scary movies. Whether they are new releases or reruns on TV, scary movies and previews are nearly inescapable.

Zombie movies, which really aren’t supposed to be scary, like “Shawn of the Dead," and classics like “Friday the 13th” are all horrifying to me.

As if the classics aren’t scary enough, new films look to push the limits of blood, guts and the unknown. “Paranormal Activity 3” and “The Thing” are this season's most anticipated horror flicks, and they look terrifying.

You might think that simply not watching scary movies is enough, but it’s actually difficult to avoid movie trailers, too.

Instead of watching my regularly scheduled cooking and house hunting programming and risking viewing someone being stabbed during a commercial break, I’m stuck with one channel of guaranteed non-scary programming, the Disney Channel.

Do you think as a 21-year-old I really want to watch the Disney Channel and only the Disney Channel? Besides, some of that programming is equally as concerning as the content found in scary movies.

I don't understand who thought one storyline was good enough to be recreated six times.

Yes, "Saw," I’m looking at you.

What eventually scared me more than the movies was the thought of "Saw" becoming the film version of “Now That’s What I Call Music," currently selling number 39. Yes, please, let’s think of twisted new ways to kill people with the same premise six times.

As if scary movies weren’t enough, some sick person decided to recreate scary movies via haunted houses. Real talk, haunted houses are not fun.

No, I would not like to have the piss scared out of me.

No, I would not like to relive my first and only experience of being in a haunted house, when my “friends” pushed me toward the chainsaw man in a slaughter house so they could escape. Yes, I cried.

For now, I’ll take “Hocus Pocus” and my annual trip to the pumpkin patch, but I won’t be returning to my regularly scheduled life until Nov. 1.

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