It is not your fault: Pregnancy and infant loss
It was supposed to be a routine ultrasound to check up on the twin babies she was carrying.
But for one mother, it turned devastating. The woman, who asked to remain anonymous to protect her personal privacy, got the news she was no longer having twins since she had lost one of the fetuses. She started to lose focus and question the development, wondering if she did something wrong.
The mother refers to the twins as "Baby A" and "Baby B."
"I was making sure I could do whatever I can to not lose Baby B," the mother said.
This past October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, an important time to hold appreciation and understanding for those who have experienced those losses.
The vanishing twin
The mother had an in vitro fertilization, which is a procedure that allows eggs to be taken from ovaries to be fertilized by sperm and put back into the uterus, one that is known to increase the chance of multiple pregnancies.
“I had weekly checks to make sure the babies were okay," the mother said. "When I went at eight weeks, everything was solid but by 10 weeks, (medical professionals) noticed that the heart rate had stopped."
Baby A had stopped growing, therefore there was no more heartbeat.
“They call it a vanishing twin,” the mother said. “We happen to notice it more because I was getting the ultrasounds done weekly, whereas a normal pregnancy doesn’t go for that many ultrasounds, therefore a person wouldn’t have known if they had a twin or not.”
She felt very sad and disappointed. At the time, she had some personal family stressors that were going on.
“To me, I think a big contributor was stress," the mother said. “When you undergo that much stress, I believe that it was a factor that went into why things didn't work out well.”
She always wondered whether the outcome would have been different if she wasn’t going through that tough situation.
When she found out that one of her babies had passed, she often questioned if it was something she did. This led her to worry about whether or not she would be able to have the other twin.
“I was making sure I could do whatever I can to not lose Baby B,” she said.
The mother said that because of the stress and anxiety from losing her baby, she couldn’t focus on anything.
“I couldn’t concentrate and I had to take a few days off of work because I just couldn’t focus,” she said. “I felt sad and worried that this was going to happen to the other baby.”
The mother said that she was able to talk to her husband about losing the baby, which she felt helped her.
“We talked a little bit about how sad (we were) but grateful at the same time that at least the other baby was still there,” she said.
She believes that she will meet that soul later on and that it will always be a part of her that she will never forget.
Types of miscarriages
According to the National Library of Medicine, miscarriages and stillbirths are often used interchangeably as they, are both a form of pregnancy or infant loss. They are, in fact, completely different.
Kaylee McCaw, a registered nurse and maternal child and perioperative manager at MyMichigan Health Center in Alma, said a miscarriage happens in the beginning of a pregnancy while stillbirths occur later on with a fully developed fetus.
“(With miscarriages) everything happens on its own,” McCaw said. “Stillbirths involve a fully developed baby that is born without a heartbeat.”
McCaw listed two types of miscarriages:
- Missed abortion or missed misscarriage, which happens when a pregnancy stops growing.
- Ectopic pregnancy, when a pregnancy occurs in the fallopian tubes.
March of Dimes, a non-profit organization committed to preventing maternal health risks and death, listed several different types of miscarriages:
- Threatened miscarriage
- Incomplete miscarriage
- Complete miscarriage
- Asymptomatic miscarriage
- Repeat miscarriages
Even with these different types of miscarriages, Mitzi Heineman, a licensed medical social worker who works with the Keys of Hope Foundation says that the loss of a fetus is a big deal.
“It’s just as if you lost a child,” Heineman said. “Maybe nobody else knows that baby, but the expectant mother does … the expectant father ... so it is a big deal.”
Physical impacts
Pregnancy or infant loss can cause several different symptoms and physical impacts to the body depending on how far along the development of the baby is.
“Usually, when their (pregnancy) is further along, (mothers) may not feel the baby move as much, they could have some bleeding or cramping which would bring them (mothers) in to get checked out,” McCaw said.
McCaw also said that those who miscarry later on in the pregnancy often go through the whole process of giving birth but not delivering an infant.
“(Mothers) are still going to have bleeding … especially if they deliver later on in their pregnancy, some people have to go through making breast milk still,” McCaw said. “They have to go through the process of those types of things without actually having the infant with them.”
Bereavement Care Manager and Registered Nurse from the Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support organization Patti Budnik says that emotions can affect your physical health.
“People tend to isolate themselves from others,” Budnik said. “We see changes in their diet and notice a shift in sleeping patterns.”
Mental impacts
McCaw said that a pregnancy or infant loss can be very defeating, especially for those who have experienced repeated miscarriages.
“It can be very distressing for (the mothers),” McCaw said.
According to Budnik, there are a range of emotions that one can experience when going through the loss of a pregnancy or infant.
“There is a lot of shock and disbelief,” Budnik said. “Anger is also a very common emotion to experience but also the hardest one to get past.”
According to March of Dimes, when the loss of a pregnancy or infant occurs, emotions of grief can increase. Grief may also cause you to feel sad, angry, confused or alone.
Budnik said that everyone has a different grieving style.
“Anger being the hardest to get past can almost stall your grieving,” Budnik said. “Of course, great sadness … people become very anxious, depressed a little bit more easily and we see a general loss of (them) wanting to participate in their normal activities.”
Heineman said that grief continues for a long period of time and it may never go away.
“It can turn into clinical depression so you have to be aware of that,” Heineman said.
Heineman also said that after a loss, some people may want to get pregnant right away but if a loss occurs again, it can cause feelings of anxiety.
Heineman said that counseling can help tremendously. Letting emotions out can be beneficial and can help continue the grieving process.
Anger being the most prominent is expressed in many different ways whether the mother is angry at themselves, the doctor or other people, counseling provides a way to channel that anger, Heineman said.
“If (mothers) have a counselor, that is a safe place to express that anger and know that it's normal and that you're not a bad person for feeling this way,” Heineman said.
Heineman also said that mothers tend to come up for reasons to blame themselves for the loss of a pregnancy or infant.
“The whole idea of ‘What caused it?’ or ‘Was it my fault?’... and when they (medical professions) can’t give you a reason, the woman often questions what they did to cause the loss,” Heineman said. “Mothers have come up with a million reasons as to why they caused it when really there is no real reason why it happened.”
Support systems and relationships
Heineman said that support systems such as Keys of Hope Foundation give women a chance to talk about their experience and reassure them that their experiences, feelings and emotions are normal. The start of these emotions begin at the hospital.
“How you are treated at the hospital is very important (to the grieving process),” Heineman said. “If they are taken seriously that the loss of a pregnancy or infant is a true loss, that will help mothers in their grief.”
Brudnik said that a caregiver is tremendously important.
“Having support is good at the time of your loss, but even in the following months or years, it (a caregiver) can set you up for more of a healthy grieving,” Brudnik said. “It’s going to impact the healing process for the next few years to come.”
McCaw said that there are a lot of different support systems that one can reach out to for support.
“They can reach out to health departments, they can reach out to their OBU offices and they can help them get in touch with a social worker or get the resources within their community,” McCaw said.
Budnik said that the Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support organization holds group meetings for those who may want to share and talk about their experiences with pregnancy or infant loss.
“We let them share what is weighing on them, whether that be going back to work, the holidays, back to school season … things like that for parents can be a trigger,” Budnik said. “We talk about due dates and anniversaries of their loss, different grieving styles and the different types of support that everyone is receiving from their family and friends.”
Pregnancy or infant loss impacts relationships differently for everyone, Brudnik said.
“For family members, it can be really hard for their loved one to see them grieving and being heartbroken,” she said. “A lot of the comments that grandparents or family seem to do is try to shift their thinking to try to get them to get over it.”
Brudnik also said that family members may not talk or ask about the baby or the loss because they don’t want to upset the mother or father but very often families do want to talk and want their baby to be acknowledged.
It's important that family members and friends ask the parent or parents how to best support them and to let them know that you are there for them, Brudnik said.
For more information on pregnancy and infant loss or those seeking professional help, Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support can be reached through email at info@nationalshare.org or by calling 800-821-6819. You can access their website by clicking here.
Keys of Hope Foundation is also available here for those seeking information or help.
