COUNTERPOINT: Let's teach this planet a lesson
All the media hype about global warming, along with it being the year 2012, is to me irrefutable proof of the coming apocalypse.
With news of rising average temperatures, oil spills and a fast-eroding Mississippi Delta, there seems to be nothing left the human race can do to save itself or its planet.
So why even try?
I have taken up a position of cheerful resignation in reaction to humanity's great plight. Our options being as limited as they are, it makes sense to give up on feeling guilty about doing all the things we already have been doing to trash our environment.
Since we may all only have months left to live until 2012 devours us all, we should be working nonstop to do what we can to suck every last drop of anything this planet has to offer, and make it suffer as much as we can for its anti-human blasphemy. We have one last chance before we go up in flames to show this rock we are its masters, whether it likes it or not.
For example, when I walk in a neighborhood and someone's recycling is set out, I make it a duty of mine to ensure plastic and aluminum finds its way out of the recycling bin and into the trash where it belongs.
There are plenty of other things you can do to contribute. Don't carpool, and encourage all your friends not to carpool, either.
Live half a mile off campus? Drive every day.
It's the little things everyone can do to rub it into this planet for trying to cough us up like phlegm.
If you drive a Hummer, you are already doing the right thing. But be wary: the legends say at night, if you listen hard enough, you can hear Al Gore on the side of the road dressed as a ghost, howling at passing gas guzzlers.
All you have to do to get him to go away is to flash a crucifix and a talking portrait of Rick Santorum, which will repeat the phrase "Global warming is a hoax!" over and over again until you and your family vote Republican.
The point is, as a final show of our race's vanity, humanity must have the last word. But there is no way we can ruin this planet before it ruins us if we do not all band together for the last push through to the finish.