COLUMN: From Beyonce with love

The only thing I remember about the Super Bowl is the halftime show.

Don't get me wrong, I hold complete respect for the Chiefs. Or was it the Ravens? No, Chiefs. Wait ... never mind ... definitely the Ravens, for winning that big silver cup thing.

But upon watching Beyonce burst into a ball of light, while a scowling musician's guitar exploded out of both ends with a clearly dangerous amount of electric sparks, I finally understood what it was like to truly hallucinate. Not only that, I was also overcome with an undeniable sense of catharsis for the first time, as I knew that I had finally entered the Twilight Zone.

Beyoncé, fresh out of allegedly lip-syncing the national anthem at President Obama's inauguration, was under a lot of pressure for her Super Bowl halftime performance. But, what our always relevant news media didn't understand is, this concert was not about the music. It was about how many different colors and shapes the stage could turn into in under five minutes, and what the hell? Did the entire stadium just slip into another dimension?

Want to know why the power went out in the Superdome during the third quarter? It was because of Beyoncé's halftime show. And it wasn't because of the 24th century light show; Beyonce literally drained all the electricity out of the building with her sexuality.

I know this because a similar thing happened to me. It's hard to explain; you'll just have to trust me.

About halfway through, I literally expected a ravenous lion to burst onto the stage. At that point, the backup dancers, and I'm pretty sure Cirque du Soleil, would form a circle around Beyoncé in all her glory and the stadium would watch her single-handedly take out a lion while singing "Single Ladies." At this point, the second half would be canceled, because no football team could ever top that.

I'm convinced there's a fairly good chance Beyoncé was a hologram, and the real Beyoncé watched the entire performance sitting on her couch, eating cheese puffs. But, if that was the case, I would have applauded even louder, because, really, at this point, what does it matter?

Beyoncé's halftime show is the best Super Bowl halftime show we will ever see. It was exorbitant, explosive, way over-the-top, slightly saccharine, utterly insane and, all-in-all, a complete waste of money.

The perfect representation of America.


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