COLUMN: Our first hurricane



As soon as I heard that Mount Pleasant was going to be hit by Hurricane Nemo, I burst into action.

I knew exactly what to do. I watched a documentary once.

Step 1: Cover all windows with storm shutters. I'm in college, I used plywood.

Step 2: Tie down all your furniture. I also tied down our kitten, just to be safe.

Step 3: Designate a safe room. Unfortunately, college apartment complexes spend an average of about $15 on their individual apartments, and, therefore, no room is safe. In fact, I'm convinced that one day I'm going to open my front door, and the entire apartment is going to fall to the ground. But still, I covered my entire room in Saran wrap just in case.

Step 4: Clear all loose and clogged drains. Nothing is worse during a hurricane than a clogged drain. It just can't handle the amount of water that it will inevitably be faced with during your average hurricane.

Step 5: Identify higher ground. Unfortunately, I'm in Mount Pleasant. No luck there. Who named this place anyway. "Mount" Pleasant. What a sense of humor that man had.

Step 6: Build an ark. You never know, I could wake up tomorrow, and the entire state could be flooded. At that point, you will all wish you'd have an ark. I'll even collect every animal I can find, just in case.

See, despite the tragedy and devastation projected to occur as of press time, as the floodwaters clear and we see the desolate wasteland left behind, we finally get to have our first hurricane. Our first!

And my father told me the Great Lakes couldn't have hurricanes when I was five. What a damned fool.

And what a cute name for a hurricane. Winter Storm Nemo. I kind of just want to hug it. Kind of odd how they're calling a hurricane a winter storm, though.

But, I'm sure it's an actual hurricane. Absolutely sure, because naming any old storm system would be a desperate media ploy used to generate fear-based ratings, and our media is absolutely above that.

I mean the whole point is, we name hurricanes because there are only a limited amount per year, and, therefore, naming them is an easy and convenient way to keep track of them.

If we went ahead and named every weather storm that came our way, we would be using thousands of names per year, which would be confusing and simply highly inefficient.

So, obviously, our news media would never sink to such lows as using the image of hurricanes to rabble-rouse fear among the people to perpetuate ratings. I mean, I know we sold our souls to the press, but we would never sink to that low.

Speaking of sinking, watch your step when you leave your apartment tomorrow. Hurricanes generally leave several inches of water on the streets. Maybe more.

General announcement: only the first 20 people are invited on my ark.


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