Sarcasm (2) vs. Hooded Sweatshirts (15)
The JC Penney parking lot in Inkster, MI
The sun shone uncharacteristically bright upon the JC Penney parking lot in Inkster, MI, which has seen its fair share of bloody battles over the years, as crowds came out in droves to watch this first round matchup in the Et cetera March Madness Tournament 2000.
Many fans came out and pledged their respective allegiances, which found Hooded Sweatshirt fans sporting their trusty and versatile hoodies (available in all colors and sizes), and Sarcasm fans dismissing them with a roll of the eyes and a dry "oh, that looks real cool." It was clear from the word go that this would be an ugly one.
Pundits looked at the Monday matchup between Sarcasm and Hooded Sweatshirts as a walk in the park for the number 2 seeded Sarcasm, and they were right. Every time the Sweatshirts would put together a strong offensive attack, Sarcasm would simply roll its eyes at them and knock them back on their ass.
The fact that Hooded Sweatshirts are veritable security blankets to their owners barely even factored into the mix. In the end, the Sweatshirts were hurt by the fact that they are sometimes seen as part of an outfit and other times just as jackets.
Sarcasm looked impressive throughout, and established itself as a force to be reckoned with by breaking nary a sweat throughout the battle. "That was a real tough one," said Sarcasm in a post-match interview, as it slipped a Hooded Sweatshirt over its shoulders, (how else?) sarcastically.
Winner: Sarcasm

Shoplifting (7) vs. Skipping Class (10)
ECW Arena in Philadelphia, PA
Jennifer Capriatti and Todd Bridges were among the juvenile offenders on hand at the world famous ECW Arena to witness the heated battle between Shoplifting and Skipping Class. It was a dirty matchup which found two notoriously fun entities going head to head with each other for the first time.
Shoplifting came out strong and sneaky early, but the referee was eyeing it close like a security guard at Try-N-Save. It was forced to clean up its act and slow its pace, which was tough for the adrenaline heavy Shoplifting to do.
Skipping Class took full advantage of the blow to Shoplifting by sleeping in and turning off its alarm. It woke up later to find out that it didn't miss much anyway, and awoke to sit on the couch and eat chips.
"Aren't you supposed to be at class?" asked Shoplifting.
"Yep," answered Skipping Class as it passed the bowl of chips. Shoplifting was confused.
"But don't you get in trouble?" asked Shoplifting, desperately searching for some sort of foothold.
"Nope. Now shut up, TRL's coming on," answered Skipping Class.
Stunned, Shoplifting threw its hands in the air and forfeited. It actually started to feel bad for itself, especially for resulting in phone calls to so many angry parents and for getting its proponents grounded.
"It's simple math," explained Skipping Class, who, coincidentally, was skipping math at the time.
"What's the worst that can happen with Skipping Class? What's the worst that can happen with Shoplifting? See what I'm saying? Now kick your feet up and let's chill." Enlightened, Shoplifting joined forces with Skipping Class. Even Capriatti and Bridges saw the light. Et cetera March Madness fans, meet your Cinderella team.
Winner: New and Improved Skipping Class

(3) Vin Diesel vs. (14) Toys 'R' Us
Lakeside Mall, Mt. Clemens, MI
There aren't enough cliche´s to epitomize the ramifications of the highly touted Vin Diesel vs. Toys 'R' Us matchup. Old vs. New, Youth vs. Experience, Future vs. Past... any and all were applicable in this explosive first round meeting.
Many feel that Vin Diesel, star of "Boiler Room," "Pitch Black" and writer/director of the independent short film "Multi-Facial" was not worthy of his Number 3 seed, but those people obviously haven't seen his work.
But that still doesn't explain Toys 'R Us' insanely low Number 14 berth, rationalized only by the fact that they don't carry "Matrix" action figures, and that their video games are always out of stock. But still, we're talking about Toys 'R' Us, the mecca for childhood bewilderment, a 365 day a year Christmas Morning, Disneyland in disguise as a ghetto toy store.
Needless to say, Toys 'R' Us came out like it had something to prove. With the power of Pokemon, Teletubbies and Britney Spears dolls on its side, it went right after Vin, who was in his nice guy "Boiler Room" mode. It was clear that he had underestimated the power of the toy behemoth, and quickly sprung into "Pitch Black" mode. Toys 'R' Us took a fall as an angry mother berated her child in the middle of the store, screaming "keep acting like that, and you're not going to get ANYTHING!"
Vin laughed, lowered his goggles, and went in for the kill. But no one saw the strange turn of events that followed coming, as Vin wandered down the action figure isle and came face to face with his likeness in an "Iron Giant" action figure. Melting like a little boy on his 7th birthday, Vin unwrapped the toy and began to play with it on the ground. Hearing it talk, he remarked about how good a job Toy Biz had done in duplicating his voice.
While he was down, Todd McFarlane's "Spawn" toys teamed up with the WWF action figures and took full advantage and put Mr. Diesel away. Afterwards, they partied with the Spice Girls dolls in the bargain bin.
Winner: Toys 'R' Us

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater (6) vs. Dragon Express (11)
Madison Square Garden, New York, NY
A couple of college staples went at it in a barn burner in the world's most famous arena, as Tony Hawk's popular Playstation game took on up-and-comer Dragon Express in a sold-out Madison Square Garden. "Pro Skater" came out impressive and cocksure, as it went straight from a 50/50 grind into an Indy Nosebone into a 540 Madonna.
But Dragon Express matched by correctly guessing that you want a Two Item Steam Table Meal. Pro Skater hit the halfpipe with something to prove, and pulled a double Christ Air into a Sex Change. But Dragon Express had just put out a fresh tray of Orange Chicken that's taste would linger for the remainder of the day.
Disheveled, Pro Skater rushed to the Downhill Jam in Phoenix, AZ, in an attempt to do the potential 40,000 point trick at the end of the race, but was unable to gather up enough speed in its hurried state and fell flat. Meanwhile, Dragon Express poured the sweet and sour sauce on top of its chicken and threw in two free egg rolls to boot.
Tony Hawk desperately tried to put something together at the end in the mall, but knew in his heart that he was already down and out. Calm and collected, Dragon Express came out smoothly and punched its two item punch card. Victory had been claimed for Dragon Express, but Pro Skater read its fortune cookie and was told it'd make a better showing in next year's tournament with it's new and improved version on the Playstation 2. Kung Pow!
Winner: Dragon Express