The great lessons of CMU
What CMU has taught me:
Studying and getting good grades is overrated. Throwing a football will help you succeed in the real world. That’s why we give our players full ride scholarships.
Secrecy is a great way to be hired. Just ask George Ross, Ernest Yoder and Dan Enos. None of them had to meet the public, even though their salaries are paid through tax dollars and student tuition. Psh, transparency has no place at a public university when it involves six figure salaries.
Students have to be saved from themselves. Take tailgating last fall for instance. Thanks to all those new rules and regulations, no one ended up dead in lot 44, like all those other students from years prior.
Greeks are all about community service and the greater good. Don’t stereotype them as the drunk and loose college students many choose to envision.
Temporary instructors are better than real ones. They teach better when they have to worry about how they’re going to pay their bills. Coincidently, students learn better when they don’t have money too.
Well- rounded includes the same classes you took in high school. It’s important to learn the same thing twice and pay thousands of dollars for it.
Don’t worry when you don’t have the funding for big, lavish projects. Just pretending you do will make it come true. I mean, isn’t how we got that great new medical school?
Thank you CMU, for all the wisdom you’ve instilled in me. I’m sure to make my Alma Mater proud when I graduate come May.
