MAY: Rekindling relationship with father after years of not communicating hard, emotional experience
Easter Sunday is a day many spend celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ with family — not me.
For me, it is a day to remember my father, hardly a man by definition, and one who does not deserve any recognition, except that his absence has made me a better man than he will ever be.
Four Easters ago I awoke to a phone call from him more than five years since his last visit or attempted communication, but I didn’t recognize the number, so I didn’t answer.
When I heard his faintly familiar voice in the voicemail message, all previous thoughts escaped me. A flood of questions surged.
I knew this day was bound to happen, the day my father wanted to be a part of my life again. I just never expected it to be so soon.
Immediately, I thought of calling him back, but I couldn't even express what I needed to say to him. I didn't know how. I spent what seemed like countless nights wondering why I hadn't received as little as an email from him, let alone why he didn't want to see or talk to me.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and following, my father married the woman he had an affair with, but she wanted nothing to do with my family. I have only seen him three times in the last 16 years.
Calling him back was a must and I saved his number and his full name in my phone. He’s my father, but I don’t think I can bring myself to calling him "Dad."
Since that call, we’ve talked maybe once a year, which I always initiate. That is no different from this Easter. I called him three or four days ago. No word from him until Easter. Of all days, he chooses to call me on Easter, the same day I choose to remember the ass that he truly is.
The conversation was abrupt. Sixteen minutes of awkward conversation to try and connect, but it was merely him asking me about other members of my family while making crude remarks. Given, he is trying, but it's a decade late.
This unrequited love cannot continue. It’s not healthy and I never see him. I am through torturing myself with the idea that I can have a father — I will never have a father.
I’ve searched for something to fill the void he left for a long time, and now, that he wants me back in his life I don’t think it's that simple. It’s going to be hard for both of us.
The one thing I can’t handle is another short-term relationship. He has to commit to me and if he can’t, I will live the way I have for most of my life — without him.
Easter reassures to me who I am and those I want in my life — those of value. Family is what you make of it, either with or without my father.
Mine is complete.
