COLUMN: Staying informed during trying times
Good afternoon. I have taken a break from sobbing into my DASH silk robe to update you on the world at large.
These are “important” stories that have taken place since the international tragedy that was the announcement of Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries divorce on Monday. Because we have lost the ability to understand the world outside of reality television, I will attempt to provide context for you in this time of mourning.
1. Central Michigan University’s Academic Senate voted to suspend curricular development for the College of Medicine.
This development is expected to impact neither Kardashian nor Humphries, as both possess tremendous genetics and practice a daily workout regimen even Heidi Montag has described as “gross,” and therefore neither have never and will never require medical assistance. CMU students should be concerned with the fate of the money they spend on the elective classes they skip to watch “The Soup,” but could not be reached for comment.
2. A small group of protestors at Occupy Wall Street in Oakland turned violent.
The attacks first started at a Whole Foods Wednesday afternoon. Though it was reported that an outside fence was damaged first, I have heard rumors that the damage was actually started inside and was caused by peaceful protestors who became enraged upon finding the magazine racks completely empty of People, OK, Star, Us Weekly and In Touch.
3. Greece Prime Minister George Papandreou proposed a national referendum on the bailout package from the European Union.
Greece could decline the bailout, default on its debts, and ultimately leave the EU. While some believe this is going to cause a European financial meltdown, there are actually significant implications. If anything, this highlights the importance of a pre-nup. And attention value shoppers: just like with the Humpdashians, this does mean commemorative plates celebrating the union should be going on clearance shortly.
4. Scientists announced development of Extreme Light Infrastructure Ultra-High Field Facility.
The proposed laser will be capable of tearing a hole in the fabric of space itself, but that’s never going to fill the sham-marriage shaped hole in their hearts.
5. TMZ’s servers exploded, burned for seven hours, then rose, like a majestic paparazzi phoenix into the clouds, where they continue to spread crucial information about the most important story to happen in the past 200 years.
Billed by some as a “new day in cyber security,” America’s fascination with meaningless celebrity and boredom with its real lives combined to rescue the tabloid network’s online infrastructure Monday night using what leading computer scientists have called “magic.”
Excuse me, CNN is coming back from an hour of pistachio commercials, and it looks like Bruce Jenner has been removed from his Botox vat to make a statement. I’m sorry, but I can’t afford to miss this.
Stay strong, America.
