ADVICE COLUMN: Moving past history of sexual abuse
“My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost four years and otherwise have a great relationship. But we struggle in one specific area; sex. To give you a quick history, she was sexually abused as a child and has found that in long-term relationships she ends up losing interest in having sex, and it feels like 'work,' although she assures me she is attracted to me. She also suffers from anxiety. We have tried several different things including various counselors but to no avail. Lately, she has been motivated to do it more often as she feels her anxiety isn’t in control of her life as much and she has the ability to relax and 'let it happen' so to speak. But now the problem may be me. I think over time, my confidence has been shot because of us not having sex for weeks at a time sometimes. So now it’s as if I’d just prefer we just get it done and that’s it, while she of course wants to engage in foreplay. So we are at this point now where both of us are sort of struggling with an issue to do with sex and it just makes it harder for it to actually happen. We both know how important it is to have a healthy sex life and want nothing more than to make it happen. We are just unsure how to go about it from here.”
Since you have gone to therapy, I’m not going to make that my main suggestion. It sounds like you have a solid relationship in other areas, so I would take a different approach. Since you’ve been together four years there is a certain amount of chemistry you can lose as a couple that would happen without the abuse she has experienced.
Since it sounds like she is starting to discover herself as a sexual being, I encourage you to listen to her wants and needs. Talk to her about what she likes during foreplay, and what she finds attractive about you physically and emotionally.
I wouldn’t get too crazy or kinky in order to find your stride, but you need to start some action. Time spent sitting around talking about being upset could be spent discovering what you like sexually.
Yes, your confidence isn’t in the best place, but there is a reason you two are still together after four years. Not many college-aged couples can say this. Start with kissing, take it slow, ensure some build-up. I think some lingerie would help her feel sexy and have you appreciate her in a sexual way. Try sex during different times of the day, or different rooms in your place (when you're alone of course). Those are ways to spice things up and take some pressure off in the bedroom.
Stop the voices in your head telling you that you aren’t good enough. Take enjoyment out of the simplest touches and kisses; it's usually during those basic moments where good sex sessions can begin.
Think of it as a way to start over as couple, enjoying each other first the first time.
