COLUMN: The struggles of a feminine lesbian
“You don't look like a lesbian."
This phrase has become a norm for me, almost the expected response for when I come out to someone as a lesbian. According to an alarming number of people, my looks are just “too feminine to be a lesbian.”
I'll admit it: I am a femme lesbian to the core. However, here is some breaking news for all the straight men, women and some of my own family members: my sexuality is not based on how I look. My sexuality is based on the fact that I am sexually and emotionally attracted women, not men. Afterall, that is the definition of a lesbian.
When I started dating my first girlfriend junior year of high school, I wasn't judged for dating a girl. However, I was told that my "choice" of a sexuality wasn’t a permanent thing. The whispers of "she'll end up with a boy, I just can't see her being gay" echoed between family members and friends alike.
After two years, the girl and I broke up. When I told my mother and best friend at the time that I was sad to be single after so long, they both said "maybe you'll find a nice boy when you go to college.” This was a punch straight to my stomach, a confirmation that even after two years, my sexuality was still not respected by those closest to me.
An issue I’ve encountered on my hunt to not find a nice boy to date is that some men find it almost offensive when I don’t come out as “Brianne the lesbian” the moment we meet. This is not how it should work. Lesbians should not be accused of leading anyone on or “catering to the male gaze” just because we don’t tell you our sexuality the first time we meet.
Feminine lesbians do not have to introduce themselves as a lesbian just because you assumed a default sexuality for us. Not every short-haired woman is a lesbian, nor is every long-haired girl straight. A majority of the lesbians I know personally actually have longer hair and are very feminine looking. This is because it’s the look they feel most comfortable in.
In addition to this frustration, there is the fact that people refuse to believe your attraction to feminine-looking women because you yourself look feminine. Not every lesbian relationship is femme-butch based. There’s femme-femme, femme-butch, butch-butch. Throw in an androgynous girl in there and it’s a party.
Sexuality is not a challenge to try to change. It’s something that many people have struggled with, worked hard to accept and are now working hard to have other people accept. Defaulting my sexuality to straight based off my looks and voicing your disbelief doesn't help.
Sexuality doesn’t have an appearance, only your heteronormativity does.
