COLUMN: Lighten up
There is a crisis in Switzerland. In 2011, in order to address it, a single-issue political party was created.
The Anti-PowerPoint Party, or APPP, firmly opposes the presentation program Microsoft PowerPoint, which it claims costs the Swiss more than $2 billion in lost productivity annually.
The APPP estimates “85 percent of the participants find that the presentations are killing motivation.”
In the United States, a crisis of a different sort is growing. Around every turn, plastered on every billboard, dangerous and unnecessarily serious fonts are now poised to offend the senses of millions of Americans.
This year, harmful typefaces surpassed terrible drivers, loud talkers and “Family Guy” as the primary cause of excessive teeth grinding nationwide, reports an anonymous organization of dentists.
As reported in 2009 by the non-partisan Center for Font Statistics, which doesn’t actually exist, the use of serious typefaces costs American taxpayers $62 million per year.
According to recent CFS studies, sober and oppressive typefaces such as Ariel and Times New Roman are responsible for a dramatic rise in rates of clinical depression.
In an economy as morbidly depressed as we are, where can we turn for hope?
One font has emerged in which the nation can invest its dreams and aspirations for a brighter tomorrow. That font is Comic Sans.
It is with the model of the Swiss APPP in mind and the interest of the American people at heart that I hereby proclaim the founding of the American Party for the Advancement of Comic Sans.
As a national party, the APACS has two primary political objectives; the first of which is to expedite the systematic spread of Comic Sans for the national public good.
Increasing the ubiquity of Comic Sans will spark a substantial rise in gross domestic happiness. The manifold benefits of whimsical Comic Sans include lifted mood, extroversion and sunshine.
On Monday, the CFS released a meteorological study conclusively linking this spring’s unseasonably enjoyable weather to an uptick in the use of Comic Sans on the redesigned menus of a small diner in northwestern Wyoming.
The second political objective of the APACS is to expedite the institutionalization of Comic Sans as the first ever national typeface. No font better captures the essence of American spirit in the 21st century than Comic Sans.
As our national typeface, Comic Sans will appear on all governmental documents, buildings, roadsigns and currency, bringing joy to the lives of citizens nationwide.
Comic Sans will convey a sense of friendlier and more casual government, with a smile and a shoulder to cry on, and it will stimulate the economy.
Typography matters. Do your part to stop uptight fascist fonts like Helvetica from crushing America. Vote APACS in November, and lighten up with Comic Sans.
